May 19, 2000

I saw a new book tonight : Melody Maker- History Of 20th Century Popular Music (Bloomsbury Press). It contains passages about Swans. Tonight I have been thinking about how important it is to take time out to reflect on what kind of person we have become. There are blind spots that others can see but that we ourselves cannot. This is a painful process. It is essential to let down ones’s defense mechanisms to see more clearly and let the truth in. But you have to have trust in that person in order to take what they show you as real.

Conversely, sometimes the person that you least expect it from is deeply insecure and frustrated. So frustrated that something you would never think would set them off lights the fuse and you get burned in the process.

Every time we enter into the bond of intimacy with another human being, we invite a mirror held closely up to our own selves that may not reflect what we want to see.

I can only decide to believe that I will not grow as a person unless I face this mirror and I can only feel the burning as necessary to new flesh and new beginnings.

My life has been a combination of ‘suffering’ I consciously or subconsciously decided to inflict upon myself as well as the cowardice of sometimes taking the path of least resistance in order to try and avoid suffering. I don’t like sarcasm and interpersonal conflict and yet it is there waiting for me even when I least expect it.

Some thoughts: Don’t whine and complain to anyone. You are not entitled. Have a thicker skin when it comes to criticism and decide if that person is actually offering you the privledge of ‘the mirror’ and revealing something about yourself that you just may need to see –instead of becoming defensive.

And yet—be careful and honest with yourself when you get deeply involved with another person. Your life is precious. Do not let their disease infect you. Its okay to walk away. Maybe you wish things were different and you are full of guilt and remorse and you feel you cannot go on without them. These are universal. Many people have felt this way before you. YOU have probably felt this way before. ………………………….. ………………………………………………………………… …………………………….