June 13, 2000

So tonight, I’m wishing I had a big hug from you and you look into me with love. ….What is it like where you are? Is there music playing? What are you feeling? Frequently I think I feel things too deeply. I was thinking today about my brother who died when I was only twenty. I still think of him all the time and the emptiness left in me when he died, has never left. SOmetimes I think this is why I need music. And why some people say they can hear so much emotion in my voice…… DO we ever get over the insecurity we had as a child? If we were bullied, or unpopular, do we have a fear of being alone or left behind as the ‘laughing hipsters’ leave us in the dirt? How easy is it to be alone and LIKE it? What does it take to have so much self love that you don’t ‘need’ anyone else….you can take them or leave them because you don’t really care. What about being cold as a result of past rejection and hurt? Is it an advantage to be cold and unfeeling as a result of the discipline to make yourself that way? To make yourself invulnerable…… What about inadvertantly setting yourself up to be punished by another person? Does that happen?

I want to hear your emotional survival methods/secrets. Share them with me.

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