July 10, 2000

July 10 12:34 A.M.

It is essential for some people, people like me, to have intensive exhausting exercise every single day. This evening , an hour run all around the park in this HEAT. I am finally getting able to endure this heat and when I hit stride, and the endorphins kick in, I feel completely ALIVE and strong. Before I joined Swans, I worked out for 4 to 5 hours a day. I was trying to make a decision about becoming a professional body builder or a vocalist.

Music won out———- but now that I am healed from my surgery of last year and facing a type of stress that could take me over the edge if I did nothing to stop it, I am going about building a new machine and going about it like my life depended on it. I am getting stronger and building my endurance. Changing my hair and changing my attitude. This is no time to be weak. This is war.

I do not believe in wallowing in self-pity, depression, and victimization. If you are having these issues, I strongly urge you to go to an Al-Anon meeting. They are not just for families and friends of alcoholics. They are for all types of abuse and co-dependent situations. You do not have to be a Christian to go to AA or Al-Anon, contrary to what some people say. I know someone in New York who is a self-described ‘Satanist’, and he regularly attends meetings.

I go to meetings.

The main thing is: don’t let the bastards get you down. Loving yourself is the hardest thing many of us will ever do.

I love you.