July 26, 2000

July 26 1:35 A.M.

when you open yourself to another, be prepared to be challenged and even hear things that could to a pedestrian view – be interpreted as harsh, rude and even cruel. there are a couple of people now that i have allowed ‘beyond the barricade’. one is an intellectual exchange with someone i have known off and on for several years and who came into my life on a professional basis but has now transcended that into someone who is always ready to exchange , challenge, and engage with me. there is also someone i have known for a couple of years whom i view as a partner. sometimes this person is harsh in his commentary and i may instinctively want to hide and be alone, hold my head in my hands. and feel the weight of remembering just how alone i really am. and then with this inner heaviness, wearing my face and my demeanor like a mask and listening to the inner voice that reminds me who i am and of the loyality i have to my own self , i know that nothing he or anyone says to me matters because they do not know my experience or what i feel or what i think. and i do not have an obligation to explain myself to them. and if i let outside forces decide my attitude– like feeling that my feelings are hurt—, i will be nothing more than a puppet tossed about helplessly. and to do that gives importance to the unimportant. YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS. emotions come and emotions go. One day you are happy. The next you are sad. None of it is real. None of it is YOU. do not become a slave to your emotions. The most efficient way i have found to balance is to go off on my own and run and walk and experience Hard vigorous exercise. being in touch with the physical body and the connection your mental chemistry has with it. I cannot state that enough. The mental chemistry your thoughts and feelings /moods, have with your body’s condition. exercise is amazing ‘therapy.’

on a related note, in one of my recent good exchanges with a third person i respect, M.G., , I asked him what he would say is a positive thing to do when one has that feeling of being ‘hurt’ and his reply was : ‘let it go through you’……….

don’t let it touch you just let it go through you………….

x