October 4, 2000

Oct 4

i am again pushed out of the nest of what i think is my life to test yet another pair of new wings.

i have had a very large number of wings in my life so far.

someone i value as my close friend and that i have also longed to love and share my life with has been forthcoming to tell me what they feel is in my best interest …… and that is to admit to me that they are inadequate and inappropriate for me for where i am in my life and that it would be best for me to have someone in my life who knows what they want and knows who they are and who has already accomplished substantial goals. And that this ideal person should be a person of means and impressive to others and compliment and color my life with their own accomplishment. My friend says he is nowhere near this yet and so he questions why I even want him in my life any deeper than friendship.

i remember when a counselor /mentor i had when i was in college told me that when someone close in your life encouraged you to find another more suited to you and said they had your best interests in mind — that it was a sign that you were no longer in their heart . i think it’s called : ‘letting you down easy.”

this time next year will i have a man of experience and accomplishment who is my equal or more – in my life ? and how do women meet men like this?

am i not feminist or careering enough to admit i want a man in my life ? that i want love and sex and a deep intimate bond? what is wrong with it? and why is being alone so wonderful?

can’t you have work and love in the same life?

why must it all be so complicated?

why are so many accomplished and sucessful people alone — not by choice?