October 14, 2000

Oct 14 Sat 2 a.m.

My life has been hallucinatory for the past 48 hours.

Instead of fighting the inner chaos, I am laughing at it.

We take way too much too seriously and I for one, am sick of that and I see no logic in it any more.

There is very little point in getting upset about most things in life.

The main thing is to enjoy little moments. Like RIGHT NOW.

And stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking that if you want someone they will want you back.

I have a song about this kind of longing. It’s called The Hand Of Your Ghost and I originally thought of it while in Tokyo and Craig took me to a place of stoneghosts.

The song is about a type of delirium caused by the anguish of loss. The loss of a man you love with your very being. The loss of a life that will never be….

To feel so deeply and be so helpless .

And I am arrogant enough to think that if I give my body and my heart to this man, he will want me in return and cherish me .

If you come to the show in New York , you will see this song performed. It is the last song of the set.

I am recording it with Joseph Budenholzer in New York and it will be on the next Disburden Disciple c.d. I hear the voice of a friend on the song with me …

I am singing from total genuine hell.

A hell in which I sit and laugh at the absurd folly of it all.

How easy it is to be a fool.