November 6, 2000

Nov 6

It is a cold rainy lonely night.

The kind of night I was experiencing when I wrote the song ‘Shotgun Road’ which is on my Thirteen Masks album.

It is my plan to rerelease my own ‘out of print’ material in 2001. I am still deciding if it should be a selective reissue compilation OR the full content of the original cds. If you want to post on my guestbook your opinion, I appreciate it. I am planning on including Swans and Skin material as part of these reissues IF they are songs I sang.

The Living Jarboe site is being redesigned by TANKPICTURES right now. It will be a clean and functional site with fewer the graphic textures that this version currently has….One of the new elements will be a ‘comments board’ pertaining to Artery so that if you want to respond to a particular Artery, you can do so directly underneath my posting…

As Disburden Disciple clearly shows, I am moving in a new direction visually and musically. As for my ‘look’….I have given away most of my former Swans era wardrobe and cut off my hair and am going back to my natural color but with radiant light streaks. This outer change is reflecting the inner change I am experiencing.

My desire to explore the boundaries of my own limitations–and break through my self imposed weaknesses –is my own force. But the muse came in the form of a man who did not offer me unconditional love. Instead, he hated my weakness and my disease and insisted I examine and heal myself. “Tough love” I guess it is called. He says he is my ‘transition’ and that my full and healthy love relationship will follow this time with him…

If it pertains to you –and carefully understand that I am not literally talking about a physically fatal illness– because even though I have been through that with members of my family (my father died of brain cancer) , I am not a doctor and am not addressing a medical condition like that… I want you to know that – like me– you can have another chance. No matter how awful things may seem in your life right now….you CAN begin again and things will get better for you. I did not think I would ever say this or feel like this when in 1996, I was inundated with despair. My mother had fallen ill with a devastating dementia, my personal life was falling apart , and the project I had struggled with and given so much of myself to both emotionally and musically for so many years was coming to an end. At this time, I did not even know it but Anhedoniac was already developing deepy inside me.

I am grateful for my health, for my friends. and for my hunger to learn.