November 14, 2000

Nov 14

I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night.

There is a lot of work to do.

I have no ‘idle’ time in which to manufacture delusion.

Turned on the computer to several email messages to a recent Artery about ’emotional distance’ ….

I have allowed myself to fall in love. With someone who was once in love with me — before I pushed him away he says.. He once wanted my love and now he cares nothing about it.

He said he has ‘spared’ me and has not told me the truth because I ‘could not handle it.’

He says he is a destroyer and that I have no idea how he has spared me over the others.

He says over and over that he is flying ‘ SOLO !!!’ and is NOT my partner at all.

Earlier we had the most beautiful love making and I broke down in tears from sheer release in his arms —-as he looked baffled….

I do not know how to do this.

I love him and yet I should not.

I do not know how to do this.

Help me to let go and not look back. I cannot seem to stop loving him but I must accept that it is unrequited and expect nothing at all from him no matter what.

No matter what.