November 15, 2000

Nov 15

Today I bought white roses for my bedroom. I put them into a crystal vase that belonged to my great aunt who lived in New Orleans, never had children, was a supporter of the opera and arts –AND also had ‘Dr.’ in front of her name…

My bedroom -ceiling and all—is painted a rich metallic yellow gold called ‘Ballroom Gold’. My ceiling light is a black chandelier.

I sleep in the bed my parents bought as newlyweds and upon which I was probably conceived. This bed is sacred to me and no one will ever sleep in it with me unless they are my angel.

The recent ‘arteries ‘ have received a lot of attention. I guess I hit a nerve. There are a lot of broken hearts out there….

And I am one of them. I have discovered there are many disciples of disburden.

It is something of comfort not to be alone with my revelations. And it is a phenomena — how when you have a broken heart so many tangibly important things fade – like eating and sleeping…

What is the most intense thing for me is how you can just know that this is a mutually felt great love and hear the other person say that they ‘fell out of love sometime ago’ and ‘have been trying to tell you that it is over’….but you continue to feel something powerful and deep with them…..You just cannot believe their words..It is as if you have been told the world is flat.

Incredible and inconceivable. I guess this is what is meant by ‘denial.’

In December, I will go to work with James Izzo . When I work on music , it has been pointed out to me, I am in a healing place and vibrant….

But music does not have those eyes and voice and kiss and hands….

Someday , as it is said, I will be able to ‘move on’ —but today it seems like a billion miles away…

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When photos of the recent CMJ New York show are put up , I will talk a bit about that for all the wonderful people who have asked ….

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