November 29, 2000

11/29

Having slept very little in the past 10 days due to intense emotional distress, I am in a zone of unreality. I am outside the world and outside my understanding of it.

When you finally realize that the dream you have been holding on to is not going to come true, you are shaken to the very depth of your identity and you wonder how it was that such a dream sustained you and fed you for so long.

For me to assume that another person shares any form of ‘reality’ with me and its understanding of it with me, is a huge undertaking. A ‘”leap of faith” ……

And when all is said and done, he said that he was still my best friend and would still be my lover but that he had “lost faith” in me and did not want to share his life with me or “be with” me. He feels ‘smothered’ and ‘caged’.

He asked me in what seemed like a type of joke— if I thought him a ‘commitment-phobic’ and /or a woman-hater.

I cannot diagnose you— I thought. …You became my dearest friend and then you became my lover. To me, anything I have done to contribute to your lack of faith , I am willing to work on and change, for me and for us ..but not only for you. For this reason I am in therapy and I am seeing the changes. I have had to get over –among many other things– a 14 year relationship with a man I lived and worked with……

He said “but it is too late.I can never have faith in you again. I have made my decision and it if final. Nothing you can do will change my loss of faith in you . You have lost me.. Remember that he most valuable thing you can do is listen. That is my secret. That is why people say I am charming. I know how to listen. You do not listen to me. You twist everything I say back to yourself. What about MY feelings? MY thoughts? Are you even listening to me now?”

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