December 15, 2000

Dec 15

I wrote a new song today for the ‘Men’ album.

Feeling acutely aware of being alone.

There is no one available to me that I truly connect with any more in all the ways I wish to connect.

The strong sense of self and the isolation engulfs me.

I will continue to run an hour a day and lift weights. Taking it slowly as since I hurt my shoulder in a car accident several years ago, my shoulder has been unpredictable in terms of sudden pain.

Going through all the things I have accumulated in my life. I will clear out this house of hundreds of things. I no longer want so many things in my life.

Many live lives of furious destraction. They no longer introspect or desire to face anoter truth than what they have deemed comfortable.

I cannot have such a life.

I will continue to face my many flaws and ugly truths and determine to get the chip off my shoulder and listen to criticism so that I will be open to the truth.

I have let someone down.

I let the most important person in my present life–down.

And I will suffer for this for the rest of my life.

I will not be forgiven because the one I let down has removed me from their mind and their heart.

I have to face up to the fact that I was abusive. I have to face up to the fact that I was not truly ready for what I entered into and blindly I stumbled and crushed the spirit of the one person who loved me completely.

I hate myself for this.

I am spo angry at myslef for this.

I struggle to endure my own previous shortcomings and the knowledge that no matter what I do.. now…makes no difference any more to the person I hurt.

What have I done?

I only I could see and know what I know now.. If only I had had more time …

I will not be ready to forgive my mistakes for a long time.

I lived and worked with a man for 14 years. I was not truly ready for another man in my life until recently. But he came inot my life immediately when the 14 years relationship ended…I know I was angry and difficult to be around…. But I have changed and I am a different person and still activly growing and changing… I wish I could be seen again and given another chance by the man I now seemed to have lost.

I have made mistakes.

But there is no one to forgive me. And I cannot forgive myself. At least not yet. Too much was at stake for me to have risked or gambled. I will be in love with him for the rest of my life.