January 1, 2001
Last night in celebration of New Year’s Eve, HE took me to dinner at a small Italian restaurant . Afterwards we had champagne at the house at midnight and exchanged several small but tender kisses. These kisses are worth more than all the riches in the world. And those kisses were the boundary – that he says he will not cross.
I am on the edge of the world. A deep aching place is in the center of me. Love withdrawn is the kind of thing that can drive you mad. If I could undo what has been done to result in becoming – punished and cast out – I would do so without hesitation. My mother used to say: ” Where there is life there is hope ” ?
Let all fire of strength of humility and truth cleanse. And the ghost-like fear and excruciating sadness with razor edged trembling that deliver thousands of unrelenting red slashes upon me inside – fully embrace and dance with me in a slow waltz in silence – that turns into a violent dizzying whirl to accompanying dissonant violins and tympani as they finally emerge to show me their laughing , mocking , sweat drenched and bloody face .