April 21, 2001

21 April 01

Listening to a close friend late last night.

This friend commented that when someone pays a compliment, they are actually saying it to make THEMSELVES feel better.

And that ….when you love someone, you love them because it makes YOU feel better and the ‘love’ is actually a neuro response inside YOU and not to do with the other person.

It has also …..since I brought up the evil ‘L’ word…. been pointed out to me that I ‘don’t love’ — but that I ‘try to possess.’

All three of these concepts I admit for some reason sadden me.

The goal I remind myself is to be the opposite of ‘possessive.’

I admit I have a strong sense of dignity and pride and even ego to be thought of as anyone who stifles or suppresses or confines or imprisons…

However, at the same time I am open to criticism and open to self improvement and change most definitely …….. In the past when any hint of an idea that I was no longer respected and was considered a BURDEN to a person, I have tried to start a new life for myself and regain a sense of dignity. If this meant that I would never be wanted and never find the person who willingly desired to be my partner — then so be it. NOW I don’t feel compelled to run away or be in denial. I see that as weakness. I will confront and fearlessly see. That is how a person evolves.

And for those who share life in free will, I close my eyes in homage, smiling.

Today. Birds sing outside this window. Lush.