May 23, 2001

May 23, 2001 7:54 PM

Early this morning, there came a dream so confrontational, so disturbing to something … deep inside me that I awoke abruptly. It was a dream of questions.

In the dream, I was in front of a computer with a bold and severe skeletal key pad and a large flat monitor that floated in the air in front of my face. I was typing a document when my finger slipped – accidentally hitting a key that was a command to open up a black and white film made on a handheld camera. Suddenly the unsteady image of a road in the countryside is in front of me on the screen from the perspective of the front seat of a convertible sedan going very fast. We pass farm workers in baggy clothing and berets sprawled in the back of horsedrawn carts. There is a narrator speaking in Polish and French and then guttural broken language that morphs into English. With the backdrop of blurred trees and white buildings, the camera angle shifts left to the driver of the convertible. The woman turns her head slowly and deliberately towards the camera , directly to my face, as she stops speaking.

A churning cold is in my gut. Fears, denial, the sense of who I am , what I’ve done in my life, “keeping my distance” – and what I think I “control” and so is all I “have” stare at me with hard black-rimmed eyes.

Here is an excerpt of what she said to me:

Go into yourself . And what will you find there ? That it is impossible to arrive safely and with everything in order? Instead of spinning your wheels in dirt , do you have the courage ? Go in and own it.

Own all of it.

X