May 25, 2001

May 25, 2001 11:10 PM

I’ve known how it is to succumb to things that can make a person have an illusion of invincibility. For me, one way this has translated is to what I’ll call “falling in love” and feeling the strength of true partnership with someone or something. And if I didn’t really have those things, my mind convinced me I did and I felt that energy pulsing through me — until something shattered.

Maybe you fall in love, make a lot of money, master a sport, drive a sexy car, have friends who are on the cover of People Magazine or maybe YOU are on the cover or you have the # 1 selling c.d in the country ……. things go YOUR way. Well what if every moment, you were reminded in the pit of your stomach that whatever you smugly feel belongs to you or is giving you an edge over somebody else or even an edge over sadness or your own loneliness, other people’s misery or even death itself………..ALL of it is leaving you even as you suck it in _____________and if you base anything on who or what is “in” your life, you are asleep . Yeah, okay. I can hear you saying: “so WHAT?” It isn’t a concept that you haven’t heard before. The “only thing that is consistent is change” and all of that….Big deal. And you may be saying: “What’s so bad about being asleep anyway!” But that is a rational understanding of a concept, as UN-revelatory as all of that may be. What I am talking about is tantamount to seeing the flesh decay a little more every single day until the bone is exposed and the maggots are festering in your thigh. At the very core of it, living with death is this literal. And I am also using ‘death’ as living with loss. It is easy to convince ourselves with all of our distractions providing ‘security,’ that we are indeed invincible and we possess someone or something when that someone or something is decaying right in front of our eyes — if we would only open them and wake up.

I’m going out for a walk now . The air is cool, crisp and clean tonight. I hear the audio component of Quake down the hall.