June 12, 2001

June 12, 2001 01:52 AM

In the distance, a softly swirling music floats in and out of perception in hypnotic form … like a kiss from a playful lover who hides from you and then is seen slowly running in the distance by twilight. ..

Strength. I often hear from people who say that I am strong because I reveal so much of myself in my work and in these journal entries. … An interviewer in Germany speaking to me about ‘power projection on stage’ asked me what I felt on stage during a performance. Did I feel fierce or angry? I told him I felt a vulnerability and complete openess in front of the audience and therein lay strength and also complete lack of stage fright. I told him ‘stage fright’ to me meant you have something to hide. Getting up on a stage can be like taking a lie detector test.

In school as a child, I learned all about command of focus in front of staring “convince me” eyes. I was the kid with an expressive voice who could read aloud quickly and articulately. I enjoyed reading books and writing essays and book reports. In other words, the teachers loved me. When an assignment was made to write a report or essay, I was beaming inside when the other children groaned.. The teachers would have me stand in front of the class and read my essays as an example for the others. Sometimes, the class would enthusiastically applaud me. Other times, they hated me not only for being “the teacher’s pet” but for being good at something “universally” despised. I was very much by myself but I had my imagination and worlds to be explored through books. That early exposure to an audience had an influence on my life that would not be revealed until years later.

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