July 14, 2001

July 14, 2001 10:34 PM

I was in my black truck driving through the wide corridors of a dark castle. I had a definite sense of harm waiting for me down one of the corridors and still I went on; a warrior on a mission aware of the danger but forging ahead. Somehow, some small internal conflicting voice got through to me and I found myself turning around and driving out of the doorway and away from the structure. When I awoke, I realized I was of two minds about what had happened. I had gotten out alive and yet I was disappointed I had not continued no matter what the cost.

Also today I have been thinking about the loss of innocence and “belief ” in others…AND also : How much of myself do I reveal and at what cost? What IS trust anyway? And if someone says or does something that causes me pain or disappointment, is it ultimately my own doing that I feel pain or disappointment because I had expectations of them to begin with? Should I have any expectations of another person at all? Why ? And If I allow my body to be held in someone’s arms, do I also allow myself to be ‘touched’ inside (my heart/mind/soul/spirit….etc) ?

More thought:

Scientists have apparently found in Ethiopia the oldest traces to date of hominids – 5.8 million years. This is around * 1 million years older* than any other known human like fossils. They have determined that these were forest dwelling creatures who walked upright and ate fibrous foods. Previously, grassy plained inhabitants were thought to be the earliest fossils of huminids.

When I read news stories like this one, I stare at my hands and then trace my brow bone with closed eyes, remembering.

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