September 24, 2001 10:43 PM
the cold comes up through the floor and penetrates my body. the low roar comes down from the sky and penetrates my dream. i open my eyes to the sound of planes as they head towards the air force base. 6:45 a.m. i walk down the hallway to stand outside the room where you sleep and hear the rhythm of your deep breathing come to life. and in the distance , a crow is announcing dominion of the approaching day from high in the treetops. * this afternoon i listened to a discussion on biological warfare . it is as if something even more than the horrible crash destruction was released in the air on sept. 11. and metaphorically, it was. i’ve heard people saying they are having radically alternating moods but the constant thing is a distraction and inability to experience their day as if all is ‘back to normal’. myself, i have had a sensation deep in my gut ever since the startled shock became whatever this gut awareness could be called. i listened to the doctors and biological warfare experts say that all it would take is intentionally infecting 50 “suicide warriors” and then sending them to a big city and into the subway as they became ill. their breathing would spread the fatal illness … and on it would go… to thousands of people. i listened to this rationally and unemotionally, yet i felt a jolt in my heart as if it had missed a beat. like i was going to pass out. i immediately thought of certain people for whom i feel protective. a type of imaginary deal was then struck between me …and something else. the attacks on sept. 11 – it’s only been two weeks, i tell myself. don’t deny these thoughts and concerns. and even if this is world war 3, don’t deny awareness. in my mind, i see the coiled serpent with its tail clinched in its own mouth. *
currently reading: The Road From Hiroshima by Marc Kaminsky. this book is extraordinary. i cannot recommend it enough.