October 4, 2001

October 04, 2001 10:47 PM

just outside the door today was a huge furry yellow caterpillar with three long black antennae sticking out of it’s body asymmetrically. i have never seen a creature like it before. i’ve also seen lots of lizards with electric blue stripes on the front porch basking in the afternoon sun. ..

like a turtle cautiously sticking its head outside of the shell and looking around. … i have a ‘reserved’ nature outside of performance…and perhaps that nature is what drew me to music and to the stage. as i have talked about, i have never known stage fright. but the turtle metaphor is especially with regard to something i’ll call ‘inner joy’. I have learned too many times that when I abandon all hesitation and allow pure joy to surge through me and lift me off my feet, some kind of childlike curiousity and gullibility takes over. and someone’s words and tone of voice can in effect stab like a knife. that joy then changes into a sadness that i experience privately, blinking my eyes too many times, smiling … for years i have reviewed the chemical composition of emotions. and studied techniques to disengage from the Fickle nature of the emotional dance.

my own decision has been to try and let go of selfish hypersensitivity and the emotional roller coaster by utilizing various methodology. intentionally Inviting bluntness and direct critical honesty and raw language. using it as a form of study and exercise . a sort of D.I.Y. ” Est” program …. placing myself in the hands of a Zen master. meditation = no consciousness of self. realizing the limits of the common uses of the intellect.

remember the Beauty of absurdity and irrationality.