June 08, 2002 7:12 PM
I read until 2 a.m. After 3 hours of sleep, the wind slams a door shut somewhere in the house. I had been having an erotic dream. This sound wakes me completely. After an hour of tortured soul syndrome = the brain in a clown suit, some things that are unsettling in my life swirl then daredevil skateboard in my thoughts. I surrender and get up and walk down the hallway into the kitchen. It’s now 6 a.m. The birds are busy in their dawn announcements and gossip…. I look at the backyard in the morning light , then make hot milk in the hope it will calm the beast and encourage sleep. But the aching in the pit of my stomach and disturbing thoughts continue as I open my journal to write : ” Restless. I’m still dealing with a sense of loss and my own inability to accept it – thus the resulting disappointment. It has ways of haunting me every day. The result is that I either learn the way to accept things as they are and live with the constant reminder or I purge completely and get it over with once and for all. Either way extracts its own price but to continue in limbo is eroding something. It’s like being in the presence of one who is half-hearted . It’s like cheating on your own self. There is no conviction. ” “What is a ‘gut feeling’? What is faith ? Faith in something you cannot touch or see ? The only way to live with loss is to negate the existence of ‘reminders’ so that the emptiness and awareness of abandonment is not center stage. You may alternate anger with disbelief, sadness with resentment, think you are living a lie. .. But mainly you are ‘living’ in a graveyard and it isn’t on a Hollywood sound stage. You are not living at all. ” RISE FROM THE DEAD.