November 10, 2002

November 10, 2002 04:36 AM

“lay with me and thrust into my flesh and feast upon me. for you are my lover. you are my lover. and the only thing that makes me bleed is my own mutilation…”

Can I understand deep love and what gives it birth ? Understand faith in another human being and seeing something in them that shines like a beam directly into my center ? Understand why a connection deepens or why it fades ?

Today, via someone’s email, ironically I read I’m a “soldier.” I have been thinking about what it means to me to be a soldier now. I have been thinking about what it means to that “someone” as well. Once upon a time I had a connection to a person who came into my life unexpectedly. He was more than a friend. I grieve now for the loss of his love, our closeness, the respect and sincerity that it once brought into my life.

Just returned from rehearsing. Trance music blasting in William’s SUV as we sped down the freeway. We were talking about the”medicinal” effect of trance and I realized that the low level nausea residing in my gut for 2 weeks now had quelled somewhat.

Sitting here at this iBook computer, the nausea is back as I write this.. .

if i am a soldier, let me find an army to go to battle and win this war.