November 27, 2002

November 27, 2002 03:09 AM

Event announcement, judgement , hell. . I learned this week that I am singing at the popular New York City “Loser’s Lounge” event either on Dec 13 or Dec 14. I will be singing with Joe Budenholzer. We are doing “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” He and I also did this event (singing “Lady Bird”) in 1998 and it was a lot of fun. There is a certain amount of “synchronicity” involved as is usual for my life. One aspect is my wearing of the same costume for the recent show in San Francisco that I wore at this event in 98. At that time it was my first live performance after the Swans final show in London in 1997. This costume designed by Jean Paul Gaultier has a lot of meaning for me as a result. The pattern on the top features swans, Indian maidens, skulls, and roses. In 1998, my best friend was a man from India named Cedric – (who went on to design this website and several cds and t shirts and more) … so the inclusion of the girls from India bathing in swan-filled waters and a neckline garnished with roses and skulls seemed to speak to me loudly. . .

It is November 27, 2002. My life is changed. I try to sleep in a cold empty bed in my “romantic” room – with a pang of acid dripping in my stomach – going on 6 weeks now. I am in a type of movie set hell. My bedroom which I will most likely move out of soon – has metallic gold walls and ceiling , a metal bed, a black chandelier with bulbs that mimic flames. I realize the pang will go away someday. But for now, the nausea is there 24 hours a day. Something I once made a source of “bursts of pure joy” has become an open wound. I am bleeding heavily right now. I am experiencing the death. . He has not compassion (defined as : “deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it”). I find myself reflecting on the meaning of real trust and respect. I ask what love means for myself alone and for myself with another. I ask if I have invested too much in another and cared too much about their welfare. I ask myself about the price paid in becoming involved with him. Someone tells me it takes 3 to 4 months for every year with someone to get over them. . . What you can learn from observing : I studied a person not too long ago who had a curious desperation “to connect” (as a result of what comes across as an ultimate insecurity) for strength and nourishment and definition and validation of their own existence from others outside of themselves. I saw this person was actually questioning having much “substance” alone because they invested most of their time in talking to other people instead of going within to a quiet place in themselves. They don’t know what they want. They don’t know who they are. Restless, spinning top. They approached interaction conspiringly . They had a fear of intimacy and foolishly thought that someone else “out there” next may be better or nicer and DIS – EASE was always blamed on someone else. The problem will sadly always rear its head over and over and over eventually. They do not scrutinize themselves harshly enough. They are not honest with themselves . . That all may sound like condemnation / judgement but the key here is not judging at all but to simply let it go and let it have a life of its own outside of your experience. And in the end, have compassion for those confused ones (like a recent energy who came into my life) with severe mood swings. . They can be deadly, afterall.