December 13, 2002

December 13, 2002 12:48 AM

Change your behavior and you will ultimately change your thoughts. . .Coming back to this neighborhood now is first of all like a casual stroll into The Bedroom. The place where you stand naked. Here it is intimately familiar and rich in memories. And like my *metaphorical* bedroom, it is truth serum and it is scrutinizing myself in the mirror in harsh glaring light. The transcendent lust. The feasting. The sounds of this language.Most of what “I WAS” – even this past year – has purged and undergone death. This is not said lightly. Emerging now with its neck straining like a baby bird is something still unformed and fragile but determined in its hunger. This is a hunger for truth and letting go of a lifetime. This past lifetime of addictions and weaknesses and poisons. Here is an example. Paranoia – suspicion of mockery- manifested itself in jealousy. My own isolation as a young girl in school and the total ban by the power set of all the pretty horses and beefcake heroes is one of the seeds of my jealousy. It has always been more about feeling “left out.” True, there has been confrontation via behavior from “others” that was less than considerate of my feelings BUT that is not something I can EVER control or affect. The only thing I can do something about is my behavior and subsequently my thoughts. Change your behavior —- and you ultimately change your thoughts. Not the other way around ! I have systematically worked through to be aware of and conquer : 1. anger, 2. pride: ego, 3. jealousy, and therefore 4. interpreting / counseling (instead of deep listening) ….. With attention to an effort of treating oneself with gentle kindness, I’m in the silence, in the emptiness working through the Fear and gripping jabs of sadness. My GOD has the road ever been as laden with up turned razor blades as it is now ? As it is NOW. And then there is the acute realization of the devotion and pure love towards my spiritual partner. Bartholomew is not the only one. This is, of course, ongoing. I do not know the outcome. I only know it is the most upheaval I’ve ever experienced. To have an epiphany and see what is laid before you. There is a multitude of images flooding your brain. Emotions go to war and your body wants to bleed and sweat and strain. The machine. Biceps hard and ready under the light. Body taut from miles of running.”New York Stories” (as we are fond of saying) : The woman next to me on the super shuttle told me about the time her bag was picked up by a stranger in Jakarta who realized later that it was not his bag and so delivered it to her – but was then upset because his own bag which had been *full of fresh meat* was stored by the airport since it was not claimed. By the time he got it, all the meat had gone rancid. o….. KAY.As I write this, I’m waiting for my baggage to be delivered here to East 11th and Ave B. Arrived in NYC Wednesday 1pm. Now : Thursday evening. Delta Airlines informs me that my checked bag was deemed suspicious and confiscated “for security reasons.” Guess it was that pound of espresso I packed in there or maybe the mostly plastic espresso machine ? Checking luggage in today’s climate is “Russian Roulette”. After this experience, I will try and only do carry-on. . Traveling as we have known it is finished. The buzzer just went off . It is 12:37 a.m. The bag saga is over !!!!!! Here I go down flights of steps to the street. I will drag it up here at last. : )XXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday the 13th . Kiss the one you love. Even if only in your mind.