January 14, 2003

January 14, 2003 8:28 PM

the wall of emptiness is all around me now. it is amazing how much of a presence emptiness has… …. It announces itself to me. Today has been one of metaphysical dilemma. This is where it hits me without warning: why I am alive at all. And only coming up with my vocal work and music writing efforts as the ‘reason’. I would have zero reason to hang around otherwise. That simple. This is not the first time this has occurred to me. Its a private and sad ‘joke’ that burns in my chest cavity when I realize that I am thinking heavily about why my heart is pumping blood.. I can go for years getting caught up in projects and things to do and not have this question rise up and announce itself to my conscious mind. I remember shortly before I joined Swans that this question took hold of me with a crushing grip. And now it has happened today.

It is more than mere “thought”…it is physical as well as mental. An awareness that there is one thing keeping you alive . Physically alive. I do not mean fulfilled or happy or productive . I mean keeping you taking another breath.

When you recognize what that thing is, your entire relationship to it changes. Far from glee, you quietly nod your head knowingly and reverently to it and have an “exchange” both bittersweet and expressionless.

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