January 19, 2003

January 19, 2003 3:56 PM

detachment. i have been thinking about my problem in being detached. i am aware of this serious FLAW in myself. to achieve detachment, i must do whatever is necessary to shut off my capacity to feel and experience an intense emotional response. what is needed NOW is a level of “even keel” and even where I feel nothing. at one time, i was going to meetings and meditation at a Buddhist Center in Soho in New York and later near Emory University here in Atlanta. With the support of that community, i was able to live outside of my emotions and experience FREEDOM. the freedom i refer to is one where your consciousness is that of a consistent level with no peaks or valleys. i have been a tortured prisioner of my own emotions since October of 2002. i have been in denial about a man who told me he no longer wanted an intimate relationship with me. it affected my performance in San Francisco and it now clouds me such that i cannot sleep and when people ask me about it , i cry easily and my stomach is upset. My friendships are also at stake. But that man is only a match and not the fire. The bigger issue is my capacity to get a grip and be able to withstand the flames – be it a failed love affair or a death of a friendship…or a setback of any kind. i am now confirmed in my idea that i must return to the Buddhist community at Emory in order to stabilize myself, regain control of myself. I am not interested in the wildy emotional state of anguish in which i wrote and performed Anhedoniac – and i am in danger of that state right NOW. But the good news is that I am rational enough to recognize the problem and what I must do about it to care for myself. my shyness has always been a problem when it comes to meeting new people and committing to groups. this was the case with the Buddhist communities as well. However, the seriousness of my shaky state at this time must override that shyness in order to BECOME HEALTHY.

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