April 29, 2003

April 29, 2003 01:53 AM

L O V E R S E U L O G Y…… In my life, i have repeatedly found myself in an area between definitions. I maintain a curiosity about the things around me and i still want to see the good in others even though i see ‘red flags’. . . Tonight as i ran 4 &1/2 miles and the sweat was pouring down my face, i asked myself what would heal me. I would like to be FOUND. To be understood. To not be judged – but supported and encouraged. “I’m with you to forget my loneliness. I love you to love my loneliness.” He sent these words to me in Israel. We wrote song lyrics together . Some day he said it would all be clear and i would see everything. I would no longer remember any words said from a place of his own demons. Any words said Out of context…… And because of his love for me which was very very real, I cannot hold him to a definition. …… And I will ALWAYS remember the things he told me in gentleness. I will only remember the beautiful and sincere lovemaking and the afternoon dinners at the table across from each other when he would look at me and then walk over and pick me up in his arms and carry me down the hall to the bedroom where he made love to me in afternoon sunlight. This was the height of innocence. We experienced absolute happiness. Nothing can EVER take those experiences away from me. NOTHING. I hold them inside my heart and no one will touch them as long as I exist. As long as I take a breath. He loved me very much. Very much.. And we learned so much from each other. I watched him develop and grow in confidence and self esteem. I believed in him. I saw what was real. …………….