May 30, 2003

May 30, 2003 03:12 AM

tear my old nature apart….I believe pro-active insight comes from being a listener and accepting aloneness and being of quiet mind. I decided on a path of introspection years ago and now there is an opportunity to either blindly reject this mirror held up to me or clear my eyes and stare into it. We have the option of listening to another’s words to us instead of shutting them out and listening to our own internal dialogue. Meditation can also open a door to the quiet mind and insight to the inner nature . Listening takes practice. So much can be what we decide to “show” to other people. Other people and even ourselves.Performance for me is one small moment in an effort to communicate. Listening is one big way I hold up the mirror to my own face. The truth can be painful. Opening yourself all the way to let another person in to you who observes you can be the most painful journey you have ever taken. Yet if it hurts that bad, it must have an element of truth and is something you must confront within yourself. I listened when he said that he would not love me because he saw that I did not love myself. He also said that I could not love anyone until I loved myself. He said I had a lot of work to do on myself to get to that place . When he spoke, I reflected upon his intent and saw that he genuinely cared or he would not even speak to me at all. I understood this even if his tone was angry and came out sounding like hostility. I tried to keep my heart open and LISTEN and not be on the defensive or afraid. I understood that WHEN I had been defensive in my life, I had been afraid. I got the sense also that he did not have faith in me to see my faults and change my ways. Yet he bothered to speak to me of my faults, so in doing this, he acted from a place of belief in me. I listened when he told me that people “kissed my ass.” I listened when he poured his anger into me. I listened when he told me I had shown an abusive nature and was in denial and swept things “under the rug” instead of accepting responsibility for my actions for my STATED interest in peaceful conflict resolution . He said that people throughout my life had excused me when he will not. He says my behavior is inexcusable to him and that he will not excuse me for my trespasses against him. As I said above, I believe pro-active insight comes from being a listener and accepting aloneness and being of quiet mind. I decided on a path of introspection years ago and now there is an opportunity to either blindly reject this mirror held up to me or clear my eyes and stare into it.

I have chosen the latter and will proceed to tear my old nature apart. It will be a long and “uncomfortable” road wth tears and remorse and sleepless nights but with diligence, it will be a genine “reason to live” and genuine BIRTH.

……….

BELIEVE