August 18, 2003

August 18, 2003 5:03 PM

Boston. I’m at the home of someone I consider to be a soul mate. His name is Joshua. We arrived here last night from Vancouver. The show there was good. The promoter was the bass player for the band : God Speed You Black Emperor! The performance room was red and the stage was old fashioned and had a David Lynch feel to it. We were fed rabbit stew. After hours and hours of driving and being turned away at one border into Canada and driving to another point of entry, it took us basically an entire day to get into Canada. You REALLY have to want to play Canada to deal with their borders. Fortunately, it wound up being a good experience for us and we were happy we went. Cleveland however was another story. We arrived in time for the huge historic power blow out and so the show was cancelled. Fabrizio, Bue, and I spent the evening wondering around Walgreens (the drug store was 24 hours and actually HAD electricity !) and looking at wrestling magazines. I spent the night alone in my dark motel room with 6 candles flickering. Tonight is a day off and tomorrow we play Boston. After that, we go to New York to play Sin-e. Backworld will also play this night so if you are near NYC, don’t miss this performance ! Remaining after New York is Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Asheville. AND I’m already getting ready mentally for my show in Greece and the ones in Europe this autumn. The big preparation however is getting ready for ” the void.” Kris Force told me to invite the void into me because the void would be replaced with “a space.” In that space will be room for the man who will REALLY love me. I already have that vacancy in my heart and I believe that I will be FOUND by him. The man that I loved more than anything and who has been my muse, best friend, lover, and business partner has turned away from me. And there is nothing I can do about it but let the void his departure leaves in me come in. Fear is there. I admit it. All I can do is face this fear. Let it have its way with me. Let it come in and run wild in me. Let it create the deep void in me.

……….. B E L I E V E