August 22, 2003

August 22, 2003 3:50 PM

Philadelphia . The apartment of Nicole. Yesterday before the concert, we visited the Mutter Museum. It had a disturbing effect on me this time that is quite different from the last time I was there. I have become super aware of human suffering in the past few years to the degree that it has opened my consciousness and perspective to a new level. I have also come to realize that my own suffering has been brought down upon me from my enduring undesirable circumstances. In particular, I am not able to make the transition in my life now of the man I fell in love with in 1998 to a status of “employee” which is how he tells me he views himself in my life. All I have inside my heart is the many times he made love to me and the many beautiful love declarations he wrote to me when we became involved. He now tells me he “was stupid” to have become involved with me romantically and therefore he dismisses that time and clearly has NO concern for the fact that I am not that dead or ruthless or fake. I will never “hate” him and I will remember him as the love he was in my life. He inspired the song FORBID on Disburden Disciple and his sensitive words have made their way into co songwriting for the MEN album…………..Now I begin my journey alone and in that journey I will be open to meeting new men in the hopes that the right one who wants to love me will come forward. I will pursue this in travel and I will pursue this through “Friendster ” and I will pursue this through being myself . Free from malice. Free from painful memories. Free to love. and I remember : “BREAK MY HEART. BREAK MY HEART. BREAK MY HEART. SO THAT I CAN LOVE ………..AGAIN.”

…………………… B E L I E V E