September 2, 2003

September 02, 2003 03:10 AM

just came in from the front garden where i stood in my bare feet on the cool wet grass and gazed up with my mouth wide open in awe towards the night sky and the planet MARS. intense white blazing light. WOW. WOW . WOW. And guess what ? I am realizing that I am happier than I have been in a long time. It is so beautiful to be on my own piece of planet Earth, with a glass of Australian Shiraz , and wearing a kimono I picked up in Osaka and be surrounded by trees and fresh air. It ultimately has to do with awareness and seeing and listening. Maybe for the first time in a long time. If you listen for suffering, all you will hear is suffering. If you listen for defeat and fear, all you will let in is defeat and fear. The big thing for me has been to listen to the silence , to allow myself to be loved and to understand that my seemingly endless loneliness is part of who I am and that being myself is simply enough. Work : I am looking forward to gettting the Men album out and I am looking forward to touring again. ………… Status : I feel healthy and alive and grateful that I have been able to make music – and athletics such a vital part of this life. …… Note to myself : the root of deep and sincere sadness: Someday I hope he will tell me sincerely with no mind games and power plays , why he said I am “in denial” when I believe positively in myself and why he said I am “ugly” and in the same breath to “look in the mirror.” With all the real and brutal death and destruction in this world , why would a person uselessly hurt and wish death and suffering upon another ? Inside such anger and fear is nothing but self destruction. Nothing positive can come of resentment or wishing ill of another. It will only result in sickness and an unproductive energy drain. The sad thing is that you cannot tell anyone this. They have to get beaten up by life to see it. If I cry, it is not for myself. It is for another.

…………………B E L I E V E