September 23, 2003 02:04 AM
fear is the only friend i have ever really had . it has been there by my side since my earliest memories. sometimes it has been masked in sadness and sometimes it has been masked in anger. sometimes it has been masked in isolation. if there has been one consistent survival mechanism I have turned to in humility in my life, it has been to deliberately walk towards an unknown and risky thing in times of intense personal pain and vulnerability. i am at that inner fragile place now. i am screaming inside at the top of my lungs. i am SCREAMING inside. i am annihilating everything in my path in my mind. i struggle to sleep at night and i wonder if am losing my mind and if i have what it takes to get through the goddam LOSS. there are no answers here. i keep seeing the ocean and the sand. i am ready to walk into the ocean. i am ready to walk into the desert. it occurs to me that it is interesting that i have been invited to both Brazil and Egypt in December. I want to accept both invitations because I know they are important now to the life force. It is as if I have to do something internally drastic to my mind to CHARGE with life energy yet again. In the coming months, I will be asking many questions to myself. I will be spending a lot of time *ALONE* and looking around in an effort to SEE and not merely think that I do. I have made that mistake already. Do I have regrets? So here I am. Again. DYING. DYING. DYING.