November 3, 2003

November 03, 2003 10:49 PM

i found a cartoon that actually had me laughing. it was black humor but it was such a delight to unexpectedly laugh out loud. and i am going to explore Bach flower remedies. i will keep searching for the things to help me find inner strength. also i would like to know more about a curious component other people appear to have . it is the thing that creates pride and admiration, joy, familiar feelings, passion, sexual energy , and belonging and loyalty and careful tenderness between a man and a woman. when you are an outsider, you observe ‘love’ and you pass among these people like an alien from another planet. i am trying to once and for all accept the state of being unlovable and unwanted. and i have to accept the position of giving voice to moments of love and moments of intense attraction and bliss that have passed through me briefly and then torched me in utter contempt as they left. love for a man has the most horrible price to it and i am not rich enough to ever pay that price again. so i ask the universe to let me accept it finally and end my life as the outsider. i am not loved by the person who has most recently been closest to me. quite the contrary. i wake up and the first thought in my head is the rejection and how much i am disliked. considering all i ever intended was to give my love to him and be loved by him in return, i sometimes wonder as extreme as it sound what would happen if i simply ceased to exist. it sometimes seems that this is the only thing i could have left to give. and then i hear a piano calling to me and i see myself in my mind in a room with a piano playing late into the night alone. is this the only one who loves me unconditionally ? has music always been there patiently waiting ? my search all these years for “the one” had been unnecessary after all ? i thought i had found “the one.” i thought he was in the form of a man with whom i fell in love. i will be mourning that tragedy for the rest of my life.