November 07, 2003 10:00 PM
As for my integrity in this journal, I can’t be real at all if I do not write about the essential. There isn’t anything more essential. The person I have been closest to in my entire life is dying. My mother is now in hospice care. I am not going to write now about rage and denial and the stages of grief. But I am going to acknowledge watching myself do strange things like race through red traffic lights and recklessly pass cars because it seems like everyone is in slow motion and it is damn getting on my nerves. Time itself is changed. I listen to my heartbeat under the water in the bathtub late at night. I sit up and gulp to breathe and realize that when I am not “being” panic , grief , fear but I observe it , I create a distance from that feeling. When I allow myself to be those things, to be consumed by what I am feeling, it is as if it IS me and not the product of personality.