November 21, 2003

November 21, 2003 11:35 PM

on the evening of my mother’s death, my reaction was instinctive. i wanted to go run and look up at the night sky. cedric came out with me to do the run . this gesture meant so very much to me. early on, he ran ahead on the path. he shouted back to me before i lost sight of him to “look up at the stars.” this sensitivity was another profound moment when i realized why i had truly fallen in love with him years ago. as i continued running alone, and looked up at the stars, i thought of playing the song ‘blackmail’ to my mother before it had been released on a swans record. as she listened, she said it sounded like i was saying “pleasssssure. pleassssssure” over and over. this made an impression upon me not only because it was my first recorded lead vocal in swans , but because it was my mother heard and it wasn’t even in the song literally. yet it was one of the intentions of the meaning. this led to my writing the song ‘warm liquid event’ on the beautiful people ltd album years later where the chorus repeats :”pleasssssure. oh pleasssssure..”

… and i am alone with my memories now and i am questioning why – about so many things. like why there is such pointless self destruction .

“we believe in love”.