December 13, 2003 02:23 AM
i stand before you naked. i am a woman. a human being. don’t make me more than that. in the past several days, i have made a number of unskillful blunders. The price I will pay for these blunders is incalculable. in 2004, i will do a lot of soul searching. . i will begin the new year rolling a boulder up a cliff. as i do this, i will gradually take baby steps . every once in awhile, i will pause and strain with my body quivering . the boulder will begin to roll back onto me sometimes. i will even be crushed. the boulder will stop before it rolls away from me. i will stand up. i will thrust it up over my head. even though the thin blood vessels in my legs will begin to burst from the strain, i will carefully lower the boulder back onto the ground in front of me and i will not give up. . you can stay and show some interest in this process. or you can decide that i offer nothing to you at all. i know that no one owes me a thing. what has kept me here in this life is my own belief in my work. my work is the concept, the melody and or the sound, the arrangement, the lyrics, and the vocal delivery. i started pursuing my own ideas in sound/performance in my twenties in front of audiences and in the studio. however, even as a little girl, i performed for my parent’s friends at their dinner parties. i will tell you that i mean everything i perform and record. i am not lying to you. i have tried to put forth from my belly. from my center. from my core. . the person with whom i became extremely intimate tells me that the truth about me is that i am a moron, ugly,worthless as an artist, a “failure” in my chosen work and have abused him. he believes that all is a result of my inadequacies and my fault. he has written this publicly in the context of a fable. .
i am not here to “he said she said.”
i told you about the boulder because his words and all inherent truth therein is that boulder and i will work as hard as i can to not let any of you or myself down in 2004. i promise to scrutinize my flaws, and remain alone for the rest of my life rather than place myself in harms’ way or trust the wrong person again. who is right or wrong no longer matters.. for anything i have done that has resulted in the infliction of pain onto another, i have received it back in bounty. .
I still have not washed my face and the good news is that I can “smell” his saliva spew that has dried onto my skin. As you know I lost my sense of smell when I fractured my skull in March 2001.
So at least that is hopeful, albeit ironically.
.. I stand before you naked. ………………………..