December 28, 2003

December 28, 2003 03:46 AM

I hold this book in my hands carefully. It is an autobiography. It is a history and exploration printed in various fonts so as to utilize different voices. As I turn the pages , my eyes fall upon the following scene : ” I have written in my private handwritten journal that I never want to hear the sound of my lover closing and locking his separate bedroom door ever again. Such is the thrust of this blade that I cover my ears to block it out. For this reason, to face it and release its hold over my heart, I will place this sound in my composition so that it will leave and have no more power. I have spent most of my life in the audio realm. In lyrics , I wrote “come lock the door now” regarding he and I metaphorically locking ourselves away from a racist, ageist, prejudicial world as we passionately became lovers.

So deeply ironic now … how that image turned around.” … The next chapter is printed in a bold font style and begins :

“You have never been in love with anyone in your entire life. You are obsessed but not ‘in love’. I know what being in love feels like and since I have not felt it for many years, I miss it. You have never known it at all. I thought at one time that I was in love with you but now I know I was not. You forced sex upon me and used me. You took advantage of me. When I look at you, I do not even see you as a woman. I do not see you in sexual terms. You could have had it differently but you yelled at me too often. I am very sensitive. I turned away from you. You need resolution. Resolution with your rape, resolution with your activities in your twenties, resolution with you relationship with your father, resolution with your relationship with your former partner.

I will know when you have resolved these things. I will see it in your eyes when you look at me.” ………..

I close the book quietly and make a cup of tea.

FORBID

WHEN I WAS HIGH I WAS HIGH WHEN I WAS LOW I WOULD CRY IN SEARCH OF BALANCE NOT ANOTHER LIE WE GO TO THIS PLACE THE PLACE WHERE WE CAN’T HIDE IT’S A SECRET PLACE WE TRACE THE SCARS OF OUR LIFE SO COME LOCK THE DOOR NOW WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT YOU SHUT THE CURTAINS I TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME IT’S A CHOICE WE’VE MADE WE’LL REFUSE TO HEAR ALL THE STUPID THINGS PEOPLE SAY: “It’s a forbidden love” YOU WERE BORN “too late” “It’s a forbidden love” YOUR SKIN’S NOT THE “right” SHADE FORBID “FORBIDDEN LOVE” I SAY FORBID “FORBIDDEN LOVE” I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG ALL THE TEARS — SEE SHE DROWNED IN THEM —— C’MON ! LET’S GIVE HER A PROPER BURIAL LET’S SAY A FEW WORDS LET’S SHUT THE LID ON HER COFFIN ON THE HILL OVERLOOKING HER GRAVE IS A POND ENCIRCLING IS A LONE SWAN THERE’S A TEAR IN HER EYE DID YOU KNOW A SWAN COULD CRY ? DID YOU KNOW A SWAN COULD FLY ? FORBID “FORBIDDEN LOVE” FORBID “FORBIDDEN LOVE” I CHOOSE YOU.