January 1, 2004

January 01, 2004 06:23 AM

what does it take to be conscious ? to wake up in the recovery room ? all of my problems are indeed my own doing. in 2004, i begin to wake up. and in my solitude, truth will come forward. when you are blamed for the killing by your former lover, you are eager to be alone and listen to the silence. he was highly critical and full of judgment upon me. i began to realize in the times when we seemed to be enjoying ourselves that since he had said he did not enjoy being in my company at all , that he was merely humoring me and tolerating my efforts. in my actions no matter how simple ( a meal, a movie, a gesture.. ) , i was causing him discomfort by my mere existence. it finally sinks in. at first you are in denial because you cannot accept what has happened. you cannot believe he is speaking the truth when he tells you he does not respect you and does not even like you as a person. at first you think he is just saying the words and that he is truthfully unhappy with himself . at first you think he is in a depression. then you begin to really believe that your existence is a source of discomfort and pain to the very person you love. this is torment. you are inflicting pain because you exist. he loathes you and finds you repulsive. you try to function but you feel bad about yourself. you try to be patient and you try not to bow your head and weep. i have been in the operating room for a very long time now. i am ready to be wheeled into recovery and wake up a free woman.

… …

“I have many fears, but under certain circumstances I find release in aggressiveness. I do not feel guilty at all until the next morning.”

“My mother was a restorer, she repaired broken things. I don’t do that. I destroy things. I cannot go the straight line. I must destroy, rebuild, destroy again. My rhythm is not the same. My mother moved in a straight line: I go from one extreme to the other.”

– Louise Bourgeois