February 10, 2004

February 10, 2004 9:54 PM

Tonight as i was driving, i thought about something i had read recently that suggested one will have a problem letting go of something if one makes a conscious effort about the endeavor in that it is in the front of their mind most of the time. I have been struggling to let go of something recently and maybe, I thought, I should simply stop trying all together and it will leave by sheer neglect. I thought back to the tremendous progress i made in 1997 when i was alone for many months at the house. At that time, i was having panic attacks and was having difficulty eating or sleeping. i would fall asleep and wake up in an anxiety attack and be overcome by fear. It had to do with the horrible anguish, the disintegration of the things that had consumed me and had become my identify and my very life : Swans and my relationship with Michael. I can’t adequately describe the hell that I went through the summer of 1997. virtually comatose and a shell..a zombie..i finally realized I had to work on music in order to keep from dying. Lary Seven worked with me on music that late summer. i made an effort to pamper myself even though i was barely functional . i called a limo service to come to my house and drive me to the airport. i was terrified about the flight because i was fearful i would have a panic attack on the plane. i was having them on the hour in those days. my friend Fabio met me at Kennedy Airport in a vintage green convertible with green leather seats. He took one look at me and said I needed to eat. I felt like I was in the hands of a medical Emergency Rescue. He immediately took me into Manhattan to Spring Street Natural where I actually y ate a meal because his presence was so comforting and reassuring to me. It was the first actual meal I had eaten in months. I could feel the tension and racing “butterflies in the stomach” I had grown used to living with leaving my body. I do not think Fabio ever realized how he literally saved my life. During my stay in New York in my old neighborhood, I was surrounded by people who took care of me and who sensed with pure compassion that I was struggling to continue to live. During this trip, my friend Blake pierced my naval and gave me a beautiful opal flower naval piece. During this trip, I saw old friends on the street who were friendly and who helped me smile. Thurston Moore was one of these people. My friend , Michelle was kind to me and walked with me through Soho and the Bowery. The sunlight was golden on this late summer / early autumn afternoon and when I at last came home to my house in Atlanta, I was stronger than I had ever been in my entire life. I had moved on and I had faith in MYSELF. Thank you to those who took such good care and who offered kindness and faith.