April 07, 2004 05:23 AM
I do not like or want confrontation in my life. I have better things to do than waste my energy. It serves no purpose other than to play into the constant lies of the ego. It does not create the work or put me into the place to work. It CRIPPLES. Tonight I drove around alone in the rental car (my truck is still in repair) for over two hours breathing deeply and listening to classical music on the radio. The streets were almost empty and I felt secure and safe. I finally came upon a roadblock where 6 police cars had flashing blue lights and were asking all drivers (including me) for i.d. and to answer questions as to their activities. I asked what it was all about but the officer only looked at me and did not answer. ……. Sadly, tonight I once again realized that I was being swept up on returning home from California by the turmoil and psychological state of another person. The more I try and understand him and the more I try and answer his delving personal questions to me and the more I try and show sincere love for his welfare, the more he communicates that I do harm. I reminded myself tonight that I have realized long ago that I can only try and be centered and try and offer understanding and peace and quietly go about my work and not let an energy cripple me. I have much work to do getting my new album out and making plans for shows. It is dangerous to let the emotional energy of others zap your strength. Don’t let it happen. Don’t get swept up into the drama. Get the drama out . The people who have one disaster and drama after another .. That energy will steal your thunder. That energy will take away your ability to do your work if you let it touch you. So DON”T let it touch you. “When we argue, I can’t work for days.” ? Stop arguing is my answer. Don’t provoke or prod a person in an unrelenting way so as to be a giant confrontational machine. My motivation is “peace of mind vs distress.” The tension. The challenge. The steps towards the unfamiliar and unknown. This has been my motivator since I was a child. It motivated me to make significant changes in my life. It may be based on fear and confronting fear but it is always the place that is the tension between peace and upheaval. I said all of this when he asked what motivates me. Yet he replied that it made no sense and he did not understand and then that he did not believe me. He said he thought I was motivated by “desperation” …and when I asked (since he seemed to imply that my own answer was inept or false) what motivated *him*, he replied immediately : “hate.” I want the peace to do my music and tend my garden and continue to savor the moments of my LIFE.