June 16, 2004 03:37 AM
Today I drove through a torrential downpour singing “Within” as a preparation for the show with Neurosis and also because the storm seemed quite Old Testament. It is humid now as I write this at 3 a.m. in my room. The cicadas serenade me and the fan inside the G4 hums. I have a small glass of chianti next to the keyboard as i type this and stabs of music fill my head. I realized today that currently, there are numerous men in my life. They are attentive and smart and worthwhile in individual ways. I am listening and I appreciate the engagement. Yet, my sense of isolation is my only constant companion. The sense of loss and the realization that the ONLY answer in this life is to have no expectations from others. I will soon be reborn. My life is about to radically change. I am about to take many risks. I am about to take many trips alone to parts of the world I have never been. I am doing this because I have to do it to destroy what has been and give birth to yet another life on my own . I know what I have to do. I know what I will face in battle. I face the challenge. I welcome it. If I know anything , it is adversity. Thank you, Michael for all that you revealed to me. I understand many things now. Thank you to all who read my words and hear my music. If I could split myself open in the middle for you and have music emerge form my pouring blood, I would do so now.