July 11, 2004 03:18 AM
There are times when the sense of self feels like a sense of utter isolation and disconnection from others . Silence screams all around me. Is there anything louder than the silent treatment from someone who no longer cares about you ? Is there anything louder than the air inside a room with only your thoughts ? Being alone is good because everyone’s speaking voice is so loud and clear when you finally emerge from your self imposed solitude. When I meditate, all of my fear surges up inside me and I stare it down and then gaze at it steadily and extend my hand in friendship.
I am remembering Paris now. I am remembering a perfumed bath and walking the streets alone late at night and in my aloneness knowing that I was indeed home. I am remembering Jerusalem now. I am remembering walking the streets of the Old City and in my aloneness knowing that I was indeed home inside Damascus Gate. I am remembering Trondheim, and the Icelandic outback , and Oslo , and Copenhagen, and Brussels… a few of the places where I have felt I was truly home.
There are many beautiful places in my memories where I have been and have had the surge of awareness that I was home. This is the sense of self and aloneness that I love the most. No one with me. On my own . Walking in the shadows. Listening. Breathing. Feeling my heartbeat in my chest.