February 20, 2006

February 20, 2006 01:34 AM

i tried to work. i felt overwhelmed. i told myself that it was time to meditate and let the pain and fear come into me so that they could compress and diminish after they expanded within me. i chanted. i miss him and hope he is safe. my life has been utterly bizarre since i came home from tour. the person i wanted to be close to and bring joy to has left and i don’t know where he is other than heading west. and i wish we could have sat together in the living room by candlelight and talked softly. as a result, i am being challenged to keep the system (meaning me) functioning responsibly, taking care of work and home and body and peace of mind. i was not expecting to experience this sensation of being inwardly shattered and lost when i got home. i had been so happy and tuesday night, i was blissful. today i awoke to the sound coming from the street behind mine of a pack of dogs barking and growling and a lone squeal in the midst of it. i surmised that a small dog was being attacked and ripped apart be the others. it sounded like some kind of hell. voices began screaming. the dogs kept barking. the squeal keep pleading in agony . when it stopped, i vomited blood. i threw on my coat , hair unbrushed, and made myself drive to town to be around people. i went to the Apple computer store. i asked questions. i went to a shop called Anthropologie. i touched the fabrics of delicate party dresses. when i drove home, 4 fire-trucks and ambulances flew into my neighborhood to the street across from my own. people had gathered in the street. it was tense and loud. someone was hurt.

‘ i tried to work. i felt overwhelmed. i told myself that it was time to meditate and let the pain and fear come into me so that they could compress and diminish after they expanded within me.’ i chanted. i miss him and hope he is safe.