March 11, 2006

March 11, 2006 06:32 AM

“don’t ask me… what you know is true… don’t have to tell you… i love your precious heart… don’t ask me…what you know is true… don’t have to tell you…i love your precious heart…” This is one of the mantras in my iPod as i walk. Today I woke up at 5 A.M. , dressed in running gear, stopped by the coffee place on the way to the park and began the trail. i can’t run now until my chest has healed so i power walked for 4 1/2 miles . It has become the highlight of my day. i am one with the music in my iPod and my pace keeps with the beat. I have NIN and techno in there sent to me by William Faith. It is designed to HEAL. The tempo has a physiological effect on the nervous system. I also have the NIN “With Teeth” album and the lyrics reflect my emotional state. Once again my respect for T.R. is renewed. The organ in All The Love In The World and the piano on top shadowing the vocal melody both remind me of my keyboard work in Swans. I am reminded of the people who come up to me at my concerts and tell me how my own music and that of M.G. and Swans has helped them through difficult periods in their life. I know how that feels because NIN is doing that for me right now. AND the teachers told me … i am not breaking vows. I had a visualization in my third purification ritual. My body died and the remnants of HER, the deity, rose up out of my corpse , hovered, and vanished. I feel her departing in me even now. I am wondering who I am without her inside my flesh form. Am I alive ? She is TIMES thousands and tentacles of her vibrant black /blue light has inhabited this shell for years. This sense of death. This sense of white light. Where is the controller?