August 19, 2006

August 19, 2006 4:19 PM

Patterns of failure are a result of a reactive instead of a preemptive or proactive stance. When I review my own life, I see great strides when I took bold initiative. I took matters into my own hands. When I was fearless in my resolve and completely unselfconscious in my actions, I changed the course of my life towards my true goals forever. I knocked down resistance in this way. When I review my defeats, it has been the result of letting other people put me in the position of reacting to them and exhausting me in the process. I think that “no action” is an action that sometimes proves strong. I think that “no action” more often than not isn’t a noble act of tolerance nor one that lets the enemy exhaust themselves , but is actually an act of indecision , cowardice , fear, and lack of necessary tools. People will see your “tolerance’ and they will leave imprints of dirt on your face from the soles of their shoes. ………. The only time I have truly felt alive in this life is when I am doing my work. I realize all too well that for me, relationships and “love” with men is my own resistance. Resistance is the thing that will not stop until it kills me. A protege snapped me out of it and reminded me last night of the resistance and the necessity to do my work. He did not criticize me but he heard the death knoll ringing in my words and he saw the resistance coming for my life. My resistance gets so bad that it beckons me to suicidal thoughts. I enter madness and act brashly as it does the only thing it knows how to do and seduces me and prepares me for the grave. Now that I am once again staring down my own resistance as it comes for my life, I am beginning to stand up against it AGAIN.

reading : THE WAR OF ART reading: THE 33 STRATEGIES OF WAR