October 27, 2006

October 27, 2006 03:02 AM

There is a strange energy in the atmosphere that began last night and is still encircling round my throat, my heart, my belly. I close my eyes and bow my head and stay very still. In times like this in my life, I focus and create a positive resistance momentum. I keep calling upon the power and I keep rallying to Stay Strong : It comes into me and I can face another day and be firm in my resolve like a soldier in combat…I stumble and falter and almost touch the ground…Sometimes, every few years I hit the ground and the kiss of death is upon my lips…Yet when I falter and do not fall , I move forward without flinching and get the job done.

I wonder what happens to the momentum….

Admittedly : I am far less than perfect and there are some who have not a kind word for me…I make mistakes and my dreams and ideas have fallen short of my vision over and over again. I attempted to “brainwash” myself years ago to not fall apart when anyone would insult me or antagonize even in the face of rage like bolts of lightning. I wanted a heart with a switch. I could turn it on. I could turn it off. What resulted from my own behavioral modification was not a hard switch or lack of emotional reaction to every episode in my life. What resulted from my resolve was the ability to remain unfazed and stay focused on a stage when I was gobbed, pummeled with objects, shouted down, cat called, heckled, and ignored. Literally. Symbolically. Audience. Critic. The past couple of days, I felt a dark storm brewing. I am so connected to … that I can sense when something is wrong. I feel it. A strange energy in the atmosphere that encircles my throat, my heart, my belly.

What happened to the momentum…