December 9, 2006

December 09, 2006 12:27 AM

People can be malicious. The reason I am such a recluse and have chosen music and lyrics as my voice is because I became repulsed at a very early age with the cruelty of human beings. I was the most unpopular child imaginable in school. I was an excellent student but the other children ridiculed me and ostracized me and tormented me endlessly. I did not fit in. I was different and they rejected me. I can truly say that I hated people at the very fiber of my being as a young girl and my only heroes were rock stars whose songs spoke to me and set me free from my alienation. I identified with them. I am in the process at this very moment of purging toxicity from my soul. I know that sounds melodramatic and I know that the concept of soul is controversial, but even if you comprehend it as a metaphor, as in the meat of the matter, the base stock of a stew, the prime coat of the painting process, then you can understand soul. I have been noticing something all around me when I observe voices. I am not sure what to call it. It is most offensive when it is directed towards those with whom we are not close friends. We have not earned the right to tease them in faux mockery. Sarcasm. Cynicism. Ridicule. Bitterness. …. And it makes me sick to my stomach. I always want to make things better. This may shock you or sound implausible but the deep center of my being is protective of her soul. I am so locked into the mode of trying to see the good and believing that there is a solution to conflict, even if it means to walk away, that I suffer inside my heart when I hear ridicule, bitterness and malicious sarcasm. What happens to people that they make comments so crass and unaware ? I am judging. I am clinging temporarily to my own mechanisms. I realize this… and still I say it : I am disgusted with this nature of We Who Call Ourselves Human Beings. If I hear you mocking someone and laughing as if you believe yourself to be superior to them, I won’t like you and I will even silently pity you. I will see you as a bitter and toxic one to pity and never trust. Anger and indignation towards those who have attacked you is different than malicious ridicule and mockery towards those whom do not understand because they are different than you. Wipe the smile off your face as you pontificate your ugly smirking sarcasm. You are toxic.