June 9, 2001

June 09, 2001 1:51 PM

A little after 6 a.m. this morning, I sat alone at this desk in “contemplation of my life” and watched the sunrise. I listened to the slowly growing chorus of birds as they seemed to celebrate the beginning of a new day. I breathed deeply and slowly. A vivid flood of clarity came to me. Moments like this one when the awareness of life is so intense and charged are the moments I ‘film’ with my mind’s eye and keep in a safe place deep inside memory. This is the rainy season here in Atlanta. The grass and trees and bushes around the house are overgrown and wild. Small chipmunks, squirrels , and even field mice seem to have burrowed little tunnels in the yard and they dart about only to be seen out of the corner of my eye. If I blink, I see a scurry of motion vanishing. And in 5 days, I am going into the welcoming arms of some people who love me. They may not wear flowers in their hair but they live in San Francisco.

X

June 6, 2001

June 06, 2001 01:00 AM

mmm. the simple and beautiful things in life. deep breathing and optimism and positive energy. Tonight pleasure flooded my body as I walked the 3 mile path around the park and wiped the sweat off my face with my t-shirt. When I finished and stretched out in the parking lot, I pulled off the wet shirt and stood there in my black sports bra looking up at the sky – with arms in the air, elated . Oh yeah, and adding to the enjoyment are these sturdy black reebok walking boots … More new *delights*: I’m now sleeping on a hard futon . Have also begun reading the book: Richard Branson: Virgin King . Excited about my upcoming trip to San Francisco where I will be adding some vocals on a brilliant new Meridiem c.d. and seeing friends from Amber Asylum and Neurosis.

I can’t wait to stand on the beach and let the waves run over my feet.

XXXXXXX

June 2, 2001

June 02, 2001 8:21 PM

“… love, sex, romance are sides of the triangle of achievement buinding genius.” “The blending of love and sex is the most intense and burning… and combined with romance , the obstructions in the finite mind are removed… and genius is born.” “The major positive emotions : desire, faith, love, sex, enthusiasm, romance, hope.” – Napoleon Hill ( from the book Think And Grow Rich) This is the classic and excellent book abot reinforcement of positive emotions and mental energy and dispelling negative self-defeating energy.

I have also been giving thought about why it is that one can continue to feel am emotion deeply inside yet have clear evidence in front of oneself in a rational way to the lack of logic for such a feeling. for the sake of self-growth, this in and of itself is a clear case for honest personal examination. This subject is one that I am exploring on the next of the series of the Disburden Disciple cds. On the finished album, I will have made these discoveries with the help of several singers whose voices I find inspiring.

I have decided to make the most personal, raw and unpolished rough drafts of a select few of the pieces from this album available on cd-r. ‘Dislocation’ ( name of the cd-r) is illustrating the process of how this next album is coming together. Again these are in no way the finished mixes or arrangements but they do show a ‘behind the scenes ‘ naked and vulnerable seed.

Also, I have been listening to a Japanese import of the 2 cd of Aphrodite’s Child ‘666’ project composed by Vangelis Papathanassiou, and the daily choir of birds outside the window.

X ———————————

June 2, 2001

June 02, 2001 8:00 PM

“… love, sex, romance are sides of the triangle of achievement building genius.” “The blending of love and sex is the most intense and burning … and combined with romance, the obstructions in the finite mind are removed …and genius is born.” “The major positive emotions : desire, faith, love, sex, enthusiasm, romance, hope.” – Napoleon Hill (from the book: Think And Grow Rich) This is a classic and excellent book about reinforcement of positive emotions and mental energy and dispelling negative self defeating energy.

I have also been giving thought about why it is that one can continue to feel an emotion deeply inside yet have clear evidence in front of ones self in a rational way to the lack of logic for such a feeling. For the sake of self – growth , this in and of itself is a clear case for honest personal examination. This subject is one that I am exploring on the next of the series of the Disburden Disciple cds. On the finished album, I will have made these discoveries with the help of several singers whose voices I find inspiring.

I have decided to make the most personal , raw and unpolished rough drafts of a select few of the pieces from this album available on cd-r. ‘Dislocation’ (name of this cd-r) is illustrating the process of how this next album is coming together. Again, these are in no way the finished mixes or arrangements but they do show a ‘behind the scenes’ naked and vulnerable seed.

Also, I ‘ve been listening to a Japanese import of the 2 cd of Aphrodite’s Child ‘666’ project composed by Vangelis Papathanassiou , and the daily choir of birds outside the window.

X ——————————————————————–

May 31, 2001

May 31, 2001 01:28 AM

Eating weeds. Drinking rain. And a dose of Introspection. I ‘ve been reading an autobiography called Drinking The Rain (Alix Kates Shulman). The author startles family and friends by choosing a life of solitude on an island off the coast of Maine over her sociable and active life of many years in Manhattan. Her story is not only an acute observation and accounting of poignant aspects of New York City, but in her island isolation ‘thinking long thoughts,’ and the practice of things that take time : making bread, reading books by the light of the fireplace in her island cabin, carefully examining the body of a dead seal that has washed up on the beach, and reflecting on the process of going into herself after a lifetime of adapting to others. Amor fati…. Ms Shulman observes her former anxieties over ‘the state of the world and the weight of years’ as a burden lifted away. Her peace comes by the acceptance of what she finds and who she is in her aloneness. As a former networking activist in the Second Wave of the women’s movement and now ‘a quiet person,’ she realizes that life can hold many seemingly conflictive selves and it is pointless to choose among what she calls the ‘impulses’ that live inside us. The shore’s appearance is constantly changing, she notes. One’s life has room for all that resides in it. She has embraced simplicity and is discovering how little she actually needs to have everything. She answers to no one, follows her interests deeply, and will change rules for herself when she wants. Set free in her solitude. No longer adjusting to the needs of anyone but herself. Eating weeds (‘gifts of sustenance’). Drinking rain.

X

May 27, 2001

May 27, 2001 1:31 PM

An airplane hums in the distance and a riot of birds wakes me at 6:30 a.m. I watch a searing line of sunlight like a laser hit the metallic gold wall of my bedroom . … … … … … … … … … …… … … … … … … … … … How valuable is recognition & acknowledgement of another person’s history for an open communication – much less a meaningful bond to take place? If I find myself in a place where no one knows me at all and those with whom I connect in even a superficial way have little curiosity about what has happened thus far in this life, is my identity shaken and my entire being deconstructed? What provides a definition of ‘being,’ anyway? If I surround myself with those who stroke my ego and define me by reflecting only what I want to hear, aren’t I jeopardizing self-growth and living as falsely as a queen dependent on the court jester and smiling ‘tasters’ who even as they show their teeth choke on the poison? I won’t ask to have my hand steadied or my brow soothed in this arena of sharpened steel and erupting blood.

X

May 25, 2001

May 25, 2001 11:10 PM

I’ve known how it is to succumb to things that can make a person have an illusion of invincibility. For me, one way this has translated is to what I’ll call “falling in love” and feeling the strength of true partnership with someone or something. And if I didn’t really have those things, my mind convinced me I did and I felt that energy pulsing through me — until something shattered.

Maybe you fall in love, make a lot of money, master a sport, drive a sexy car, have friends who are on the cover of People Magazine or maybe YOU are on the cover or you have the # 1 selling c.d in the country ……. things go YOUR way. Well what if every moment, you were reminded in the pit of your stomach that whatever you smugly feel belongs to you or is giving you an edge over somebody else or even an edge over sadness or your own loneliness, other people’s misery or even death itself………..ALL of it is leaving you even as you suck it in _____________and if you base anything on who or what is “in” your life, you are asleep . Yeah, okay. I can hear you saying: “so WHAT?” It isn’t a concept that you haven’t heard before. The “only thing that is consistent is change” and all of that….Big deal. And you may be saying: “What’s so bad about being asleep anyway!” But that is a rational understanding of a concept, as UN-revelatory as all of that may be. What I am talking about is tantamount to seeing the flesh decay a little more every single day until the bone is exposed and the maggots are festering in your thigh. At the very core of it, living with death is this literal. And I am also using ‘death’ as living with loss. It is easy to convince ourselves with all of our distractions providing ‘security,’ that we are indeed invincible and we possess someone or something when that someone or something is decaying right in front of our eyes — if we would only open them and wake up.

I’m going out for a walk now . The air is cool, crisp and clean tonight. I hear the audio component of Quake down the hall.

May 23, 2001

May 23, 2001 7:54 PM

Early this morning, there came a dream so confrontational, so disturbing to something … deep inside me that I awoke abruptly. It was a dream of questions.

In the dream, I was in front of a computer with a bold and severe skeletal key pad and a large flat monitor that floated in the air in front of my face. I was typing a document when my finger slipped – accidentally hitting a key that was a command to open up a black and white film made on a handheld camera. Suddenly the unsteady image of a road in the countryside is in front of me on the screen from the perspective of the front seat of a convertible sedan going very fast. We pass farm workers in baggy clothing and berets sprawled in the back of horsedrawn carts. There is a narrator speaking in Polish and French and then guttural broken language that morphs into English. With the backdrop of blurred trees and white buildings, the camera angle shifts left to the driver of the convertible. The woman turns her head slowly and deliberately towards the camera , directly to my face, as she stops speaking.

A churning cold is in my gut. Fears, denial, the sense of who I am , what I’ve done in my life, “keeping my distance” – and what I think I “control” and so is all I “have” stare at me with hard black-rimmed eyes.

Here is an excerpt of what she said to me:

Go into yourself . And what will you find there ? That it is impossible to arrive safely and with everything in order? Instead of spinning your wheels in dirt , do you have the courage ? Go in and own it.

Own all of it.

X

May 21, 2001

May 21, 2001 12:18 AM

Welcome to my redesigned home. This version of the site has among other new features, a discussion board and a shopping cart system. All made possible by Todd Zino -thank you very much Todd ! and Tank. 🙂

I’ve been advised to let you know that this version of the site is more compatible on Internet Explorer although Netscape should work as well.

So, what do you think ? Let us know …

X

May 18, 2001

May 18, 2001 6:32 PM

test 101 this si a test ictorTank: prod-checkout isn’t showing up.. did i fuck something up ? OpiumDrum: no, it isn’t up yet … VictorTank: ok… just making sure… VictorTank: hey big boy, i’m looking fwd to your CREDITS text 😉 OpiumDrum: well. Artery is done, pending nitpicks. And looking nicely if I say so myself … why don’t you and/or Jarboe play with it some and note any quirks. I gotta run a quirk errand or two. Can you show me what the CREDITS page will look like so I can be a politician and tailor my statement to the aura of the page like a cowardly shit? OpiumDrum: a QUICK errand or two. Wow. Nice slip. VictorTank: lol… ok.. cool