October 18, 2000

18 OCT

4:03 a.m.

still taking care of things before I go . no sleep tonight.

in a couple of hours I leave for the airport.

Next posting from Manhattan but most likely after the show several days from now….

hope to see you…

J

October 17, 2000

Oct 17 12:23 A.M.

Spoke with my close friend Joseph Budenholzer tonight (Backworld) about playing in my show Oct 19 in NYC …Cooking up several ‘cameos’ on different songs,,,, He told me about the beautiful experience he had recently with his concert in Switzerland. The difference between the New York audience and the European audience…Backworld received tumultuous applause and felt very appreciated –whereas in their home town of New York, they frequently wonder why they are bothering…

What is the reason for this?

Why are so many artists not appreciated ‘at home’?

mmmm. A special kiss to the lovely men who recently wrote to me from Argentina and Portugal……..

October 15, 2000

Oct 15 Sunday

The first Disburden Disciple c.d. is here and will begin being sent out now.

Many thanks to all of you who pre-ordered it.

It is a privledge and an honor to put out a body of work without a single on the radio or a video or magazine articles or ads or visibility in shops or even a sound bite or mp3 file —–and still you care enough and have faith enough in me to purchase the c.d. without hype.

I am excited about DD One and the series of DD releases coming. The next DD project will feature special guests from very eclectic musical worlds. A lot of great things are coming and I am ‘stoked’ you guys !

I am looking forward to my ‘hometown’ (New York) show as well as the select shows out west in early 2001 because I look forward to seeing you and looking into your eyes and thanking you for your trust and your belief in me.

x

October 14, 2000

Oct 14 Sat 2 a.m.

My life has been hallucinatory for the past 48 hours.

Instead of fighting the inner chaos, I am laughing at it.

We take way too much too seriously and I for one, am sick of that and I see no logic in it any more.

There is very little point in getting upset about most things in life.

The main thing is to enjoy little moments. Like RIGHT NOW.

And stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking that if you want someone they will want you back.

I have a song about this kind of longing. It’s called The Hand Of Your Ghost and I originally thought of it while in Tokyo and Craig took me to a place of stoneghosts.

The song is about a type of delirium caused by the anguish of loss. The loss of a man you love with your very being. The loss of a life that will never be….

To feel so deeply and be so helpless .

And I am arrogant enough to think that if I give my body and my heart to this man, he will want me in return and cherish me .

If you come to the show in New York , you will see this song performed. It is the last song of the set.

I am recording it with Joseph Budenholzer in New York and it will be on the next Disburden Disciple c.d. I hear the voice of a friend on the song with me …

I am singing from total genuine hell.

A hell in which I sit and laugh at the absurd folly of it all.

How easy it is to be a fool.

October 12, 2000

Oct 11 Wednesday night.

Rehearsing now for NYC on October 19.

After the show and the CMJ panel, I will be staying in New York in my old neighborhood (we lived on 6 th and B ) recording material for the second installment of Disburden Disciple.

And then looking forward to a very special new friend and his remarkable voice.

Getting email everyday asking me where the show will be!

HEY—its on Bowery next door to CBGB ! 313 Gallery ! Got it?!

Trying to be a good girl and get enough sleep.

Reading Nietzsche in bed….. shivering in the cool night air.

October 8, 2000

Oct 8 Sunday 12:54 p.m.

My fingers are ice.

Winter is coming.

Last night a rare evening of ‘input’ rather than my usual constant ‘output.’

I went to see the film Dancer In The Dark featuring an old friend of years ago—Bjork –in the central role.

As the film began, the word ‘bleak’ came to mind. As the film ended, ‘devastating’ was the ONLY word in my mind.

As dismal as that may sound, I strongly recommend the film to the readers of Artery as it is a highly sucessful work of art and to be given attention even for that reason alone. Great ‘art films’ these days are few and far between…

Today—back to rehearsals for Oct 19….

X

October 4, 2000

Oct 4

i am again pushed out of the nest of what i think is my life to test yet another pair of new wings.

i have had a very large number of wings in my life so far.

someone i value as my close friend and that i have also longed to love and share my life with has been forthcoming to tell me what they feel is in my best interest …… and that is to admit to me that they are inadequate and inappropriate for me for where i am in my life and that it would be best for me to have someone in my life who knows what they want and knows who they are and who has already accomplished substantial goals. And that this ideal person should be a person of means and impressive to others and compliment and color my life with their own accomplishment. My friend says he is nowhere near this yet and so he questions why I even want him in my life any deeper than friendship.

i remember when a counselor /mentor i had when i was in college told me that when someone close in your life encouraged you to find another more suited to you and said they had your best interests in mind — that it was a sign that you were no longer in their heart . i think it’s called : ‘letting you down easy.”

this time next year will i have a man of experience and accomplishment who is my equal or more – in my life ? and how do women meet men like this?

am i not feminist or careering enough to admit i want a man in my life ? that i want love and sex and a deep intimate bond? what is wrong with it? and why is being alone so wonderful?

can’t you have work and love in the same life?

why must it all be so complicated?

why are so many accomplished and sucessful people alone — not by choice?

October 3, 2000

Oct 3

11:02 a.m.

I have a new favorite word.

I mean I LOVE this word.

The word is:

J E T T I S O N

X

October 2, 2000

Oct 2

So its come down to this.

And i don’t know what to do.

you say you are desperate and you need me to give you this thing.

How can I make what you need appear out of thin air?

Be careful taking favors or gifts or loans from those who tell you what a sacrifice it is for them to do so.

Because the time will come when they breathe heavily upon you.

I will take drastic steps to get this breath off of me.