December 13, 2000

Dec 13

Last night I was in the company of a man I have always liked but had not gotten to know –who was attentive and respectful and funny and full of insight and full of compassion and good energy. He said he could tell I was a good person. And I know that he is a good person. Just from being in that light, I felt high all night long. Being around someone who eminates hostility and resentment is very damaging to one’s psyche.

I cannot allow that energy to enter me any more.

I have begun the process of seeking counseling with a woman therapist that I hope can point me to the tools I now need to use to move forward in my life emotionally.

The ongoing damage of this situation with this man who has so bitterly spit out his anger in my face has got to stop and I am going to make it stop.

I hope that each of us can take responsibity for our own words and actions and stop hurting each other.

I have not given up faith in him in my life . I want us to be close even if only friends but the loss of him as my lover is a great and terible tragedy.

December 11, 2000

Dec 12 10:19 p.m.

Today I was happy.

I ran for an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning and felt so energized later on that I worked out with my weights for around 40 minutes.

I have intensified my St John’s Wort and B -complex . Also a Myoplex bar before I ran.

Have begun two books: Memoirs Of A Geisha and The Ice Opinion.

Had a productive day. Bagged up a lot of items to give to friends, and also to give to charity.

I love this house in the evening. Especially the black walls by candlelight in the living room and the intense satin gold walls of the bedroom. I love this moment … the house , the land, my pickup truck and little things I have realized suddenly –like the surprise that my body has become thinner. Yeah. ok. The weight loss has been brought about by the inability to eat as a result of the pain of losing the love of the man I adored ……but hey –now that I am this slender again, it feels good to be light.

How is that for a silver lining !

This week a friend and I see PJ Harvey in concert. And I am looking forward to dinner with a person I hope to get to know better as a friend tomorrow night. I need friends here. People I find kind and interesting who care about getting to know me. Who respect me.

Rejection by your lover does something really powerful to you. I will never forget the pain . Was it worth it?

He was worth it, yes.

The poetry is beginning to flow again …. The next recordings for MEN will have a fluid rhythmic trance-like feel with strong basslines.

I think I’m going back to San Francisco in early January.

inspirational : Erzulie Danto http://ux1.eiu.edu/~cfrb/haitianvodou.htm

thank you my friend.

December 10, 2000

Dec 10

I have started mega-intensive running again. If I do it in the morning, I feel relaxed all day. This may be the key to getting back to optimal functioning.

I have been confused and lost —– but it is all up to me to find the path once again and correct the mistakes I have made in the past and —-begin again.

i will continue to love unashamed but not expect love in return.

I will continue to move forward without a chip on my shoulder.

I will not react with anger to constructive criticism said to me because those things are said from a place of compassion.

And if I feel afraid of being alone or longing of another woman’s relationship with a man who worships her, i will remember :

We are afterall all of us alone in the world.

I will continue to love him for the rest of my life no matter what. And I hope he will be happy and have a good life.

December 6, 2000

6 December

LOVE

She tries it on, like a dress. She decides it doesn’t fit, and starts to take it off. Her skin comes, too.

– Lola Haskins

A — thank you again.

December 4, 2000

4 December

1:15 p.m.

Last night , admittedly nauseated , unrested, and zombie-like, I got on the highway to go an hour outside of Atlanta to go to my mother who now lives in a nursing home. As I have mentioned in Artery before, she has an Alzheimer’s like dementia and is in a wheelchair. Her face is smooth and childlike. She has amazing jade green eyes like no one else I have ever seen and she is beautiful at 83 years old. She had me late in life and so my brothers (one of whom died in an accident) were a decade older than me and were not really around much when I was growing up. My father was very busy and on assignment out of town a lot and my mother was truly my best friend and more like a sister to me than a mother.

So last night, my brother came by the nursing home and we began to talk about our lives and when he asked how I was really doing, I told him that I was frightened and unwell- full of anxiety and sadness from the loss of the man I loved so deeply . I told him that this man had stated that he wanted me to give him space for a separate life from mine.

My mother who had been looking at us silently while my brother and I talked, suddenly looked directly into my eyes and spoke up with lucid clarity , “Well ! You’ve been giving ME a lot of space. You don’t come see me enough!”

This ‘chastizing’ I consider a beautiful gift I will remember.

December 2, 2000

12 / 02

“Jarboe…

have you ever experienced any truer pain…than the one when someone you have deeply loved…and been deeply loved by….hears you say”I love you”…..and pauses…that one telltale second…before replying??? – Gabriel”

November 30, 2000

11/30

And the new VOICE with new FAITH comes to me and says:

LIVE DANGEROUSLY

and I am intrigued

November 29, 2000

11/29

Having slept very little in the past 10 days due to intense emotional distress, I am in a zone of unreality. I am outside the world and outside my understanding of it.

When you finally realize that the dream you have been holding on to is not going to come true, you are shaken to the very depth of your identity and you wonder how it was that such a dream sustained you and fed you for so long.

For me to assume that another person shares any form of ‘reality’ with me and its understanding of it with me, is a huge undertaking. A ‘”leap of faith” ……

And when all is said and done, he said that he was still my best friend and would still be my lover but that he had “lost faith” in me and did not want to share his life with me or “be with” me. He feels ‘smothered’ and ‘caged’.

He asked me in what seemed like a type of joke— if I thought him a ‘commitment-phobic’ and /or a woman-hater.

I cannot diagnose you— I thought. …You became my dearest friend and then you became my lover. To me, anything I have done to contribute to your lack of faith , I am willing to work on and change, for me and for us ..but not only for you. For this reason I am in therapy and I am seeing the changes. I have had to get over –among many other things– a 14 year relationship with a man I lived and worked with……

He said “but it is too late.I can never have faith in you again. I have made my decision and it if final. Nothing you can do will change my loss of faith in you . You have lost me.. Remember that he most valuable thing you can do is listen. That is my secret. That is why people say I am charming. I know how to listen. You do not listen to me. You twist everything I say back to yourself. What about MY feelings? MY thoughts? Are you even listening to me now?”

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November 28, 2000

Nov 28 Tuesday 9:20 A.M.

HOW DO YOU RESIGN YOURSELF TO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER BE? YOU STOP WANTING THAT THING, YOU GO NUMB, OR YOU KILL THE AGENT OF DESIRE.

SAVOUR KINDNESS BECAUSE CRUELTY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE LATER.

– JENNY HOLZER

November 27, 2000

11/27

Am now holding out my hand and looking .

Introspective yet also opening to a friendly voice.

And the voice says it will come into my world.

And I am listening for the voices that would offer me

unconditional love in the purest sense.

I am here. And I am listening.