November 24, 2000

11/24

I have begun the process. I am burning you out of my center – where I have carelessly allowed you to enter.

JARBOE IS NOW BEING REBORN.

I HAVE DESTROYED THE WOMAN YOU KNEW.

I AM BUILDING A NEW MACHINE.

I AM ONE STEP CLOSER .

one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one

don’t ever make anyone essential

don’t ever make anyone irreplaceable

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

I am now burning your files out of my system.

I will no longer be vulnerable to you and your kind.

RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE

I am systematically destroying what I became with you.

The demon warrior is stirring and will emerge.

Do not underestimate my will.

FUCKING DESTRUCTION.

GET OUT OF OF MY WAY. MY FIRE IS FIERCE. GET OUT OF MY WAY OR BURN.

I AM BECOMING JARBOE.

GET THE * FUCK * OUT OF MY WAY.

THE MISTAKE WAS MADE THAT I AM WEAK ENOUGH TO FALL IN LOVE AND LOSE MYSELF AND BE BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT FIERCE ENOUGH TO BREAK ME. I HAVE DIED MANY TIMES AND RISEN TO BECOME THE NEW.

I AM AT WAR. I HAVE NO MERCY FOR YOU.

I WILL RIP TO SHREDS.

I WILL DISBURDEN. I WILL BE VICTORIOUS.

I AM VICTORY.

J A R B O E

November 24, 2000

11/24

You cannot handle the truth.

I cannot invest in you emotionally.

My emotional needs are better transferred to a piece of wood.

DEAL WITH IT

November 21, 2000

Nov 21

Today the sun shines and the air is cold. I wear a sweater I bought in Iceland.

Listening to three new songs recently begun in New York for the MEN album. Sending a package off to the first collaborator with much enthusiastic expectation.

And my mind will not let me focus on the emotional anguish today as it works to keep me alive.

There are articulate and intelligent people reading …. They have responded to me personally in email and I look forward to having the format where replies can be posted on this same page for everyone to read and to learn from other’s experience and insight.

Today I still carry the weight inside. But I will force myself to look outside the wall of emotion and see the world.

November 20, 2000

Nov 19 11:26 p.m.

i have received numerous emails from persons telling me about their life .

it seems many things are universal.

what does : ‘ i love you but i am not IN love with you.’ mean, anyway?

has anyone here said this or had this said to them?

please tell me.

also, is it cool for a guy to have an intimate relationship with a woman who says she finds him ‘attractive’ and wants him to call her and for this same guy to ‘love’ and live with and have sex with another woman in a monogamous relationship –and yet hide this intimate relationship from her?

what exactly does : ‘look me directly in the eye. i don’t owe you a thing and you do not owe me a thing ‘ mean?

Can someone here please tell me?

I would like to know.

I am shaking and I would like to know. ***************************************************************

and the beautiful one said i have ‘spine strength like a tree trunk’….

if i asked all of you to meet me and hold me and ignite me with your faith so that i would emit a power so strong that i am beyond the ‘hand of (the) ghost’…..would you ? will you?

will you?

shut your eyes after you read this.duplicate and send me your strength right now.

send it NOW. i need it NOW.

November 18, 2000

Nov 18

Today it is sleeting. Rain turned to ice.

And the past twelve hours have brought beautiful gifts.

In the early morning hours, I was awoken by the lust.

we fed deeply as for those moments we leave all the things that disconnect us.

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and I hear from the beautiful Paz and there is joy right into the center of my heart.

www.pazlenchantin.com

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November 16, 2000

Nov 16

the words are flowing out . so many pieces for DD 2

the duet album.

the beauty of men.

i hear the echos of this music. their bodies entwined as

they writhe.

the longing goes unfulfilled.

the desire remains,

tonight the rain is cold and constant.

i have lately been contacted by extraordinary people.

and i thought too many people believed me unattainable

unreachable… sometimes like in an ivory tower.

one day

without even looking for it, a dark poet came ever so

slowly .

unable to take my eyes away …

the first words i then said with complete inocence and light :

‘you are so handsome. do you know that?’

and i allowed myself to feast on his beauty and to be

consumed.

“…….. you are my lover………

you are my lover…

for the only One who’ll make me bleed

the only One who’ll make me bleed

is my own

mutilation………..”

bless all the passion expressed tonight. bless all the lovers making love tonight bless all the tears of the broken hearts

and the laughter , and the fear of the lonely and the lost ,

come bitter anger in my arms tonight. kiss me deeply. stick your tongue down my throat.

November 15, 2000

Nov 15

Today I bought white roses for my bedroom. I put them into a crystal vase that belonged to my great aunt who lived in New Orleans, never had children, was a supporter of the opera and arts –AND also had ‘Dr.’ in front of her name…

My bedroom -ceiling and all—is painted a rich metallic yellow gold called ‘Ballroom Gold’. My ceiling light is a black chandelier.

I sleep in the bed my parents bought as newlyweds and upon which I was probably conceived. This bed is sacred to me and no one will ever sleep in it with me unless they are my angel.

The recent ‘arteries ‘ have received a lot of attention. I guess I hit a nerve. There are a lot of broken hearts out there….

And I am one of them. I have discovered there are many disciples of disburden.

It is something of comfort not to be alone with my revelations. And it is a phenomena — how when you have a broken heart so many tangibly important things fade – like eating and sleeping…

What is the most intense thing for me is how you can just know that this is a mutually felt great love and hear the other person say that they ‘fell out of love sometime ago’ and ‘have been trying to tell you that it is over’….but you continue to feel something powerful and deep with them…..You just cannot believe their words..It is as if you have been told the world is flat.

Incredible and inconceivable. I guess this is what is meant by ‘denial.’

In December, I will go to work with James Izzo . When I work on music , it has been pointed out to me, I am in a healing place and vibrant….

But music does not have those eyes and voice and kiss and hands….

Someday , as it is said, I will be able to ‘move on’ —but today it seems like a billion miles away…

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When photos of the recent CMJ New York show are put up , I will talk a bit about that for all the wonderful people who have asked ….

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November 14, 2000

Nov 14

I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night.

There is a lot of work to do.

I have no ‘idle’ time in which to manufacture delusion.

Turned on the computer to several email messages to a recent Artery about ’emotional distance’ ….

I have allowed myself to fall in love. With someone who was once in love with me — before I pushed him away he says.. He once wanted my love and now he cares nothing about it.

He said he has ‘spared’ me and has not told me the truth because I ‘could not handle it.’

He says he is a destroyer and that I have no idea how he has spared me over the others.

He says over and over that he is flying ‘ SOLO !!!’ and is NOT my partner at all.

Earlier we had the most beautiful love making and I broke down in tears from sheer release in his arms —-as he looked baffled….

I do not know how to do this.

I love him and yet I should not.

I do not know how to do this.

Help me to let go and not look back. I cannot seem to stop loving him but I must accept that it is unrequited and expect nothing at all from him no matter what.

No matter what.

…………………………………………………..

November 12, 2000

Nov 12

4:48 a.m.

Anxiety takes it’s sharp fangs upon you

And you reach out but find no god to save you

In all light the darkness closes in

And you understand the meaning

Alone

Nothing and no one comforts you except the smile of an angel

But you have only your own strength with which to survive

Remove yourself from harm or perish

The way will not be sweet

Those that you trust will betray you coldly

But you asked for this when you gave your heart

And tell yourself that you are no judge of character

So you breathe slowly and hold yourself with dignity

You walk alone and wonder if this is how it will end

You found your false god.

And you never cease to wonder at the cruelty .

To wonder at your pain.

To wonder at death

The twin of life.

You will hold yourself with dignity

And question why

Happiness came with the angel

You must now destroy what it is you embraced

As the angel smiles

November 11, 2000

11/11/00

REALITY CHECK

GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

DO NOT LIVE IN DENIAL.

HERE IS REALITY.

THIS IS TRUTH.

UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS FACT.

I SEE YOU AS A GOOD FRIEND. I AM NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH YOU. I WILL NEVER BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WTH YOU.

THE PRICE IS TOO GREAT. I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND.