21 April 01
Listening to a close friend late last night.
This friend commented that when someone pays a compliment, they are actually saying it to make THEMSELVES feel better.
And that ….when you love someone, you love them because it makes YOU feel better and the ‘love’ is actually a neuro response inside YOU and not to do with the other person.
It has also …..since I brought up the evil ‘L’ word…. been pointed out to me that I ‘don’t love’ — but that I ‘try to possess.’
All three of these concepts I admit for some reason sadden me.
The goal I remind myself is to be the opposite of ‘possessive.’
I admit I have a strong sense of dignity and pride and even ego to be thought of as anyone who stifles or suppresses or confines or imprisons…
However, at the same time I am open to criticism and open to self improvement and change most definitely …….. In the past when any hint of an idea that I was no longer respected and was considered a BURDEN to a person, I have tried to start a new life for myself and regain a sense of dignity. If this meant that I would never be wanted and never find the person who willingly desired to be my partner — then so be it. NOW I don’t feel compelled to run away or be in denial. I see that as weakness. I will confront and fearlessly see. That is how a person evolves.
And for those who share life in free will, I close my eyes in homage, smiling.
Today. Birds sing outside this window. Lush.
24 april 01
gray. a hundred birds sing anticipating the storm.
in her heart, the courageous warrier offers RESPECT to the one she
has found —- and who has found her.
you’re in me
i’m inside you
you’re in me
i go nowhere without you
Friday the 13th
So yesterday I had a bad day. But before that, I had a relatively good one. So it seems that the lesson is to stay steady on the course of MEGA REST —- even if I have the suggestion of feeling ‘better’.
The world is an unfamiliar place now. I view people going about their daily business as ‘the other’ because there is such a separation between my window of perception and the space within which they inhabit. I can’t move as fast as they can or be as loud as they are or even contemplate pursuit of anything less than simple essential kindness, understanding, compassion. I guess a close call with death will do that to you. I guess when the part of you that is healing is the very center of who “you” are–the brain—this view is expected… I’m not embracing a foolish naiveté; i am only saying that certain things can happen to you in life that put things in perspective. What has happened to me is an example of what I am saying. So if you can learn from what has happened to me– and i hope you never experience something like this– learn to put things in perspective and see that your anger and your revenge and your put downs and your attacks and your talk and actions that are made out of a blind and pointless anger/insanity that will pass with time— must not be dictate or control you or put you in isolation. None of that matters. My body is alive. My brain is going about right this very moment doing what it needs to do to repair the damage. THINK about what you are doing in your life. Think about what you are doing to waste your precious life. Do not take your consciousness or perception for granted. Breathe in fully and slowly. Hold it for a moment then in a controlled manner — breathe out. I cannot be more sincere when I say: take a moment every day to be AWARE of LIFE.
April 9 01
Update on my recovery from the injuries sustained March 11 :
I am now taking peaceful walks and trying to watch comedies once in awhile on t.v. to laugh. Laughter is good for healing.
And the pollen is thick in the air here and the bees zoom all around my door carrying it….
I cannot describe what this ‘state’ feels like. It’s interesting. I mean the way my head feels several weeks after the accident. I’m aware of the ‘repairing’ going on inside — and still feel a fragile consciousness – which is not a familiar or welcome thing to me at all. I’ll explain: sometimes I’ve been guilty of believing my own so called ‘mythology ‘ —-that I am some kind of … invincible warrior. For one thing, I felt that way a lot of the time in Swans. And I feel that way when I work on music.
The doctor says I am even beyond what is expected at this time for recovery/healing. I know I have a resilience that has eventually rescued me and kept me focused. Someone said it was a ‘guardian angel’ and that I was proof of their existence. Is it that — or is it that I was destined to ‘die’ numerous lives in this life ?…..and come back even more aware even stronger and with a fuller insight ?
Hey -on a lighter note. You know what is a funky word?
That is such a curious word ! (look it up if you don’t know)
catch Thread’s new full length album, Abnormal Love. He and I have a duet on it ! Also catch Neotropic’s new cd which features samples from Thread and consequently my voice……
april 3 01
i awoke this morning to heavy rain. the day has been overcast and the
listening quietly to the soundtrack for the excellent film Traffic ….
and the crows as they strut on the wet grass outside.
lately, more new melodies float inside me and i feel the music coming to
and the impact of Disburden Disciple’s ‘Pure War’ circulates —
now. here under the beautiful gray sky ….
watch the rain
april 1 2001 sunday 6:33 p.m.
thank you to all of those who have sent cards, gifts (candles, fresh orchids, bath and health food baskets, Japanese lanterns..) , and get well wishes via email. i am still fragile and unable to answer everyone who has done so — yet please know i do sincerely welcome the good energy.
i am making real progress in healing already even though this experience is a reminder of just healthy and powerfully energetic i normally am … … wow.
and here we are in April. the front yard is blasting with fresh color as the azaleas and the Japanese maple bloom —–and in the morning I awake to dozens of chattering birds outside the bedroom window….
and i currently have no sense of smell or taste and there is on occasion a slight high frequency in my ears and there are bouts of dizziness and heavy fatigue and headache…and yet i am aware of the intense progress of the healing .
again and again what matters most and what comes to me in my thoughts and my dreams is love. the music and having love and living in good health is what matters.
and you are part of it.
march 22 2001
i have been thinking of you and what to say in this posting.
there is too much to say so i will be extremely brief.
on march 11, some of you may already know that i fell backwards helplessly sailing through the air from my attic onto the hardwood floor below- with the full impact being to my head.
i was admitted to the emergency room and intensive care unit, having had a c scan which showed a concussion , fractured skull and damage to the brain as a result.
i spent the following week in the hospital neurological ward mostly completely passed out and with various i-v fluids of necessary medications hooked up into needles taped in through veins in my arms.
i am now at home following strict doctor’s orders. Rest . Rest. Rest.
i was told i was very lucky because people die all the time from head injuries like the one i have sustained. i was told the docotors expect me to fully recover by mid summer as long as do what i am told which means: good bye stress. hello rest.
believe me. this has forced a major reassessment of everything….and i do see my continued life as a gift i truly have no intention of wasting.
there are people reading this whom i love dearly. i am still here for a reason. that reason has everything to do with the people who have shown me their love and belief in me.
i am clearly not ready to leave planet earth. i believe my best work is still to come.
and i want you to know that i will not let you down.
with all my heart…..
March 10 2001
Still cold and windy here. Today and Sunday are the last of the rehearsals before I go up to New Jersey to record. Working with William this week has been a joy and I look forward to future projects.
Highly doubtful I will be slowed down long enough to make an Artery entry until after Austin because when I return here on Wednesday night, I will need to get up at 5:30 A.M. to get down to the airport to fly into Austin.
I am sitting here at my desk looking at trees and a blue sky. Longing for SPRING and wishing it could last for at least 6 months…..I love Spring and Fall but do not like winter and summer. This seems to be getting worse for me. I think I have been through too much hell in New York with such severe summers and winters to really endure that kind of thing again…
Have been talking with William about record labels and contracts and music business stuff. I respect his experience and viewpoint. Also all the war stories of touring ! LOL !
For those of you traveling from different states to Austin to see our performance on March 16 *, I truly appreciate it and look forward to meeting you after the show.
*Renee Nelson: bass and keys and vocals *William Faith : guitar and vocal
It’s cold here.
Mr. William Faith has arrived from L.A. with guitars. Miss Renee Nelson will join us this week——–as we prepare for Austin.
Looking forward to performing this material.
The set : Get Happy (standard) To Forget (from my forthcoming ‘Men’ project) Forbid (from Disburden Disciple) Found (from forthcoming ‘Men’ c.d.) Recover (from Karma ‘Trance’ c.d.) Reconciliation (from forthcoming ‘Men’ c.d. )
Be there !
March 1 2001
I’m just trying to stay focused and not get overwhelmed.
Bored by empty promises and rude people.
And the fools, they abound.
Remember to take damn good care of yourself.
Otherwise everyone will dismiss you.
How long can you be sustained by your fantasy, anyway?
and then “Money changes everything”.