November 11, 2000

11/11/00

REALITY CHECK

GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

DO NOT LIVE IN DENIAL.

HERE IS REALITY.

THIS IS TRUTH.

UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS FACT.

I SEE YOU AS A GOOD FRIEND. I AM NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH YOU. I WILL NEVER BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WTH YOU.

THE PRICE IS TOO GREAT. I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND.

November 10, 2000

Nov 10 2:16 a.m.

‘” I LIKE my solitude,” he said to me explaining why he is ’emotionally detached’ ….

And I find myself in my own place of isolation wondering why I attract people who are emotionally cut-off?

He is not the first person to say this to me.

Can I be that deadly ? That fierce? Do I affect people so that they withdraw into themselves ?

“You get what you deserve,” he says to me.

How beautiful to be loved with a vibrant intensity by a loving ’emotionally alive’ person who is fully there in the moment with you….. a person who gives deeply and looks into your eyes saying this with their body as they make love to you…

I admit I secretly dream that he will ‘ come back ‘ and be capable of giving me this kind of love. Maybe I am also in denial (as he also says) to dream this. Maybe he will never be capable of this again …at least with me… So people have emailed asking about the CMJ panel and the concert. I did say I would talk about it here.

I enjoyed being on the panel . I did state my own views about the labels and that there is another way other than signing with a label to get your work out to the public. I also talked about the community aspect of being an independent artist with regard to reaching the people who care about your work…and the internet destroys that distance to a degree. I am intentionally accessible and spend a part of my day when I can , being available via email.

The concert (photos coming) was another facet of experimentation and I learned a lot from it. Another face revealed. A step in a new and free direction. I am at the place where I can look back at my body of work to date and see where I now want to go…..

Also to the people who emailed ‘commenting’ ( ahem) about Georgia voting Republican—-I live in metro Atlanta and the county where I live–supported Al Gore.

I’m working on material for the next Disburden project and will be going to New Jersey to work with James Izzo (Thread) before the end of the year.

X

………………………………………………………………… …………………………………. ………………………………………………………………… ………………………………….

November 6, 2000

Nov 6

It is a cold rainy lonely night.

The kind of night I was experiencing when I wrote the song ‘Shotgun Road’ which is on my Thirteen Masks album.

It is my plan to rerelease my own ‘out of print’ material in 2001. I am still deciding if it should be a selective reissue compilation OR the full content of the original cds. If you want to post on my guestbook your opinion, I appreciate it. I am planning on including Swans and Skin material as part of these reissues IF they are songs I sang.

The Living Jarboe site is being redesigned by TANKPICTURES right now. It will be a clean and functional site with fewer the graphic textures that this version currently has….One of the new elements will be a ‘comments board’ pertaining to Artery so that if you want to respond to a particular Artery, you can do so directly underneath my posting…

As Disburden Disciple clearly shows, I am moving in a new direction visually and musically. As for my ‘look’….I have given away most of my former Swans era wardrobe and cut off my hair and am going back to my natural color but with radiant light streaks. This outer change is reflecting the inner change I am experiencing.

My desire to explore the boundaries of my own limitations–and break through my self imposed weaknesses –is my own force. But the muse came in the form of a man who did not offer me unconditional love. Instead, he hated my weakness and my disease and insisted I examine and heal myself. “Tough love” I guess it is called. He says he is my ‘transition’ and that my full and healthy love relationship will follow this time with him…

If it pertains to you –and carefully understand that I am not literally talking about a physically fatal illness– because even though I have been through that with members of my family (my father died of brain cancer) , I am not a doctor and am not addressing a medical condition like that… I want you to know that – like me– you can have another chance. No matter how awful things may seem in your life right now….you CAN begin again and things will get better for you. I did not think I would ever say this or feel like this when in 1996, I was inundated with despair. My mother had fallen ill with a devastating dementia, my personal life was falling apart , and the project I had struggled with and given so much of myself to both emotionally and musically for so many years was coming to an end. At this time, I did not even know it but Anhedoniac was already developing deepy inside me.

I am grateful for my health, for my friends. and for my hunger to learn.

November 1, 2000

November 1

Only three ‘Trick Or Treaters ‘ last night !

And a dead bird mysteriously placed on my steps….

SO– I’m sitting here in the office surrounded by boxes of my own cd. There’s this frenetic activity to get them out to the cool people I love who have found me online.

Where to begin about New York? Am I even in the proper frame of mind at the moment……

How about some highlights?

Richard Kern’s party for his new book, Model Release ,I think it is called.. Talking with Richard and congratulating him on the birth of his baby !

Seeing artist’s Damian Hirst’s show …..

and the Yoko One retrospective …..

meeting artist Joe Coleman and Katharine Gates at a gallery opening for “Serial Killer art”….

dinner at Rotelle on e.7th with Scott Martin of Vinyl Films…

Photos with Foetus aka JG Thirlwell…..

Brunch in a state of exhaustion with Todd ZIno and Ayse…

perusing a quaint and eclectic bookstore with a beautiful man …

seeing friends…….

CMJ? more about that next time! as well as the concert from MY point of view…

Thank you again for your interest in my new c.d. So much of my heart is in it…

Love J

October 31, 2000

Happy Halloween !!!

Hello !

I AM BACK …

will recount my New York City adventure and tell you what’s going on either later on today or tomorrow.

Had a great show, was a subversive on the CMJ panel, and recorded some new work wth Joseph Budenholzer for the Men album which will feature duets with some of my favorite vocalists.

XXXX J

October 18, 2000

18 OCT

4:03 a.m.

still taking care of things before I go . no sleep tonight.

in a couple of hours I leave for the airport.

Next posting from Manhattan but most likely after the show several days from now….

hope to see you…

J

October 17, 2000

Oct 17 12:23 A.M.

Spoke with my close friend Joseph Budenholzer tonight (Backworld) about playing in my show Oct 19 in NYC …Cooking up several ‘cameos’ on different songs,,,, He told me about the beautiful experience he had recently with his concert in Switzerland. The difference between the New York audience and the European audience…Backworld received tumultuous applause and felt very appreciated –whereas in their home town of New York, they frequently wonder why they are bothering…

What is the reason for this?

Why are so many artists not appreciated ‘at home’?

mmmm. A special kiss to the lovely men who recently wrote to me from Argentina and Portugal……..

October 15, 2000

Oct 15 Sunday

The first Disburden Disciple c.d. is here and will begin being sent out now.

Many thanks to all of you who pre-ordered it.

It is a privledge and an honor to put out a body of work without a single on the radio or a video or magazine articles or ads or visibility in shops or even a sound bite or mp3 file —–and still you care enough and have faith enough in me to purchase the c.d. without hype.

I am excited about DD One and the series of DD releases coming. The next DD project will feature special guests from very eclectic musical worlds. A lot of great things are coming and I am ‘stoked’ you guys !

I am looking forward to my ‘hometown’ (New York) show as well as the select shows out west in early 2001 because I look forward to seeing you and looking into your eyes and thanking you for your trust and your belief in me.

x

October 14, 2000

Oct 14 Sat 2 a.m.

My life has been hallucinatory for the past 48 hours.

Instead of fighting the inner chaos, I am laughing at it.

We take way too much too seriously and I for one, am sick of that and I see no logic in it any more.

There is very little point in getting upset about most things in life.

The main thing is to enjoy little moments. Like RIGHT NOW.

And stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking that if you want someone they will want you back.

I have a song about this kind of longing. It’s called The Hand Of Your Ghost and I originally thought of it while in Tokyo and Craig took me to a place of stoneghosts.

The song is about a type of delirium caused by the anguish of loss. The loss of a man you love with your very being. The loss of a life that will never be….

To feel so deeply and be so helpless .

And I am arrogant enough to think that if I give my body and my heart to this man, he will want me in return and cherish me .

If you come to the show in New York , you will see this song performed. It is the last song of the set.

I am recording it with Joseph Budenholzer in New York and it will be on the next Disburden Disciple c.d. I hear the voice of a friend on the song with me …

I am singing from total genuine hell.

A hell in which I sit and laugh at the absurd folly of it all.

How easy it is to be a fool.

October 12, 2000

Oct 11 Wednesday night.

Rehearsing now for NYC on October 19.

After the show and the CMJ panel, I will be staying in New York in my old neighborhood (we lived on 6 th and B ) recording material for the second installment of Disburden Disciple.

And then looking forward to a very special new friend and his remarkable voice.

Getting email everyday asking me where the show will be!

HEY—its on Bowery next door to CBGB ! 313 Gallery ! Got it?!

Trying to be a good girl and get enough sleep.

Reading Nietzsche in bed….. shivering in the cool night air.