October 4, 2000

Oct 4

i am again pushed out of the nest of what i think is my life to test yet another pair of new wings.

i have had a very large number of wings in my life so far.

someone i value as my close friend and that i have also longed to love and share my life with has been forthcoming to tell me what they feel is in my best interest …… and that is to admit to me that they are inadequate and inappropriate for me for where i am in my life and that it would be best for me to have someone in my life who knows what they want and knows who they are and who has already accomplished substantial goals. And that this ideal person should be a person of means and impressive to others and compliment and color my life with their own accomplishment. My friend says he is nowhere near this yet and so he questions why I even want him in my life any deeper than friendship.

i remember when a counselor /mentor i had when i was in college told me that when someone close in your life encouraged you to find another more suited to you and said they had your best interests in mind — that it was a sign that you were no longer in their heart . i think it’s called : ‘letting you down easy.”

this time next year will i have a man of experience and accomplishment who is my equal or more – in my life ? and how do women meet men like this?

am i not feminist or careering enough to admit i want a man in my life ? that i want love and sex and a deep intimate bond? what is wrong with it? and why is being alone so wonderful?

can’t you have work and love in the same life?

why must it all be so complicated?

why are so many accomplished and sucessful people alone — not by choice?

October 3, 2000

Oct 3

11:02 a.m.

I have a new favorite word.

I mean I LOVE this word.

The word is:



October 2, 2000

Oct 2

So its come down to this.

And i don’t know what to do.

you say you are desperate and you need me to give you this thing.

How can I make what you need appear out of thin air?

Be careful taking favors or gifts or loans from those who tell you what a sacrifice it is for them to do so.

Because the time will come when they breathe heavily upon you.

I will take drastic steps to get this breath off of me.

September 29, 2000

Sept 29

today an interview by phone for a forthcoming article by writer Jay Babcock on loud volume in rock music in Mojo magazine.

talked about the early shows in Swans when the ceiling above the stage would rain paint chips and dirt just from the amps. ..

and ‘the loudest band in the world’ moniker we had in those days..(not OUR title by the way..the British press came up with it )

and all the times MG and I were shocked by the stage or mics not being grounded properly..Not as bad as that scene in Almost Famous but almost…

and this evening to a party at AUX TV where I am friends with one of the owners and his wife. everyone there involved in some aspect of production of commercials or documentaries or independent film or animation or websites or music composition or ..etc.

www.auxtv.com ****************************************************************** and my mind is full of ideas and crammed full of thoughts.

an awareness of my life being compartmentalized and not as serene as i would like it.

too much to do. not enough time.

and analyzing the patronage system where an artist could focus on creating work and not the cluttered aspects of running a business and keeping life in order. today an artist has to know about the business even if it is what to avoid. there is no child-like state of being kept so that you can be a genius.

the biggies: putting a leash on your emotions is essential. discipline and knowing what to absorb and what to purge.

understanding that some people are just dead meat .

and another way to say purge is DISBURDEN.

September 28, 2000

Sept 28

Killer t-shirts are here .

I would like to hear stories about anything unusual that happens to you while wearing it . Please post on the guestbook so others can read it.

Tonight I am thinking about Vienna and the three young blonde men who serenaded me under my hotel room window after the concert Swans had done in a wonderful performance hall. I lay in my bed listening while the wind blew the lace curtain carrying their voices up to me. They had talked with me briefly at the venue and told me they were music students. One was a classical pianist. They gave me a bunch of red roses and looked at me hopefully , smiling…

Has anyone here tried Peppermint Paddock?

September 27, 2000

Sept 27

One of the good things about touring ‘off the beaten path’ is that you see so many wonderful towns unexplored by tourists and unexploited by commercialization. You have unpredictable adventures.

One such ‘”if they could see me now'” was this tiny place in southern Norway called Boe.

The journey in the bus was endless snow and ice through the empty narrow road late at night down the mountain. I stuck my head out of the tiny open portal above my bed to breathe in the cold air. I was thinking: “so here you are dear. the places you have been…once again….here is where the music has brought you THIS time! . wow. if someone had told me i would be out here in the middle of the night in this huge bus on this dark winding road skidding and sliding along ever so slowly to a small village in Norway…………….

The one place to stay in town was called : ‘the Boe Hotel” We all chuckled at the play on words BoHO which is slang ( for all you readers who are not American) for bohemian…

I had a rock sauna before the show (which turned out to be an audience of all teenage males.). i was reclining nude when two huge long haired musclebound guys walked in and sat down. I casually eased into a sitting position not knowing where to put my hands. My tattoos (still taboo here) were noticably fascinating to them . When the towel slipped off of one of them, and his was a rigid and quivering salute, I bolted out of there !

September 26, 2000

Sept 26

There is all this talk in the media about people wanting instant downloadable music —– but when we sent out our own research from the sites, the overwhelming response was that they loved holding the object in their hands complete with the artwork presentation . After thinking this over, I realized that the people who buy my work as well as Swans and Michael’s..are more about the artist than the ‘song.’ For the people who listen to commercial ”play the hits'” stations, I can see how they are more about the song than the artist and they would be satisfied with downloading singles.

I think even this status will change in the future. Just as more and more people grow up with technology who of course never held a record cover in thier hands ..the time will come when there will be people who will have never held a cd booklet in their hands…


September 25, 2000

Sept 25

If you subscribe to the pair.com discussion list, yes for some reason it has been down for several days. We have notified support. Hopefully it will be resolved soon?

I’m not inspired tonight.

i can see too clearly.

I feel weight bearing down upon me and very very mortal .

and there are so many “variables”


September 23, 2000

Sept 23

wow. the legend lives on ! the Swans site has just clicked over once again to all zeros and so now — to two million plus hits. two million and 405 as I write this! the webmaster will need to change the one to two as the only thing that is automated is the clicker. somebody out there is checking it out…. personally i think it is aliens from another planet plotting world domination through music….

I went to see a peripherally music film that a friend was involved with tonight — because 1. Scott is so cool and i was really proud as the credits rolled at the end, and because 2. i was lucky enough to go to the ‘wrap party’ , and because 3. the director has the desire and gift to tell a compelling story and turn a film into a timeless classic — no matter in what cultural era it may be set , and because 4. when I congratulated the director on his rare singing performance at his film party last year with Ann and Nancy Wilson (of the band Heart), he responded by saying that –coming from me it meant quite a lot.


For me, Almost Famous is a very un-today’s Hollywood, quiet film –about self growth. FInding yourself. Even though a lot of camera attention is reverently focused on the pivotal female character (featured on the posters for the movie at every bus stop in America right now), the story is really told from the point of view of another character. This character is a savvy 15 year old ‘music journalist ‘ who still lives with his mother, has very ”parental’ phone calls from his mother when on the road with a rock band covering his first assignment for Rolling Stone — and has left home for this assignment –as a virgin. But even though sex and drugs and rock and roll — and rebellion and experimentation –are ingredients in the film, they are not used in an exploitative manner or even dramatized. Hollywood has numbed us . But when a film like this comes along out of the Hollywood system, it stands out because it is reaching into us from a human voice that is personal and real. The rock guitar ‘golden god’ in the film speaks about his longing for what is ‘real’.. A middle class lamp shade and suburban kitchen have him joyous…….

Touring is a very unreal world. You get over stimulated with the chaos and contantly moving from place to place. Friends and any respite from this ‘world’ become precious commodities.

This film is based on the real life of director Cameron Crowe. And even though films based on real stories are made in Hollywood regularly,this one still stands out. The appropriate choice in this case not to use a lot of big stars who can sometimes take away for the story itself and steal every scene because we cannot get away from the fact that they are who they are– and the overall low-key and intimate way the story opens to us — make this ultimately not a typically sensationalistic Hollywood film or a rock and roll film — but an affectionate and gentle film clearly made from love.