January 28, 2001

Jan 28

This morning I took an intense hour long power walk and afterwards had a bath listening to Moroccan Sufi music and breathing incense. I held different hatha yoga positions in the water and went outside myself — I was so deeply inside myself.

January 27, 2001

January 27 2001

Spinning…………….

My life recently has been one where I am open enough to experience intense lessons. A good reminder of flexible ‘reality’ ……..

And

Thanks to both new and old friends : Percy and William and Jason and James and Sarah and Marlene and Debra and Linda….

Today , a birthday gift of my 15th discreetly placed tattoo.

Yesterday I sat in traffic singing Wayfarin’ Stranger and heard a new beautiful arrangement in my head. Full throttle. Will try it in Austin on March 16.

And I saw the film “Crouching Tiger….” will write a few of my impressions soon…

X

January 24, 2001

January 24 2001

A goat cheese/walnut tamale for breakfast while strolling through what sounds like a contradiction in terms : The Beverly Hills Farmers Market. (Beverly Hillbillies, anyone?) !

And a simultaneously disturbing /amusing exhibit at MOCA of the work of Paul McCarthy.

The Living Jarboe has just been confirmed to perform in Austin at the South By Southwest Conference in March………..

XXX

January 17, 2001

January 17, 2001 Los Angeles

I find myself this morning completely open and receptive. This trip has brought me to a place inside myself where I have found myself staring back at me. The realization of the relationship with ME. There is a dialogue afterall inside all of us. It’s just that a lot of times it gets buried and shuts down. And isn’t it easier to listen to all the pseudo voices around you than face yourself.

Since my last Artery, I was privledged to hear new music from Tool at the studio where they are currently mixing their new album, went out to dinner at a place I loved called Dar Maghred with Maynard James Keenan and new friend- William Faith, flew to San Franciso and recorded vocals in a studio in Sausalito with Oxbow, had brunch with Percy Howard and discussed our upcoming concert plans involving Bill Rieflin, and then yesterday back in L.A., after getting up from maybe 2 hours sleep at 5:30 a.m. and finding meself sitting in the makeup trailer getting my face airburushed with makeup and my hair styled by complete pros but barely able to keep my eyes open, then going back to my trailer near the set to rest , I sucessfully won the battle against a formidable attack from what felt like a cold/flu virus thanks too every herbal warrior i could blast at it along with sheer f*cking will power and discipline earned from my experience of brutal Swans touring scenarios…and spent the entire day at Paramount on the set of ‘Vanilla Sky’ (which was built and decorated to look like a wealthy art and book collector’s apartment in the Dakota in NYC . Peter Townsend’s smashed guitar hung inside plexiglass on one wall , Chuck Close’s painting of Robert Rauschenberg on another wall, various priceless religious artifacts, etc etc,in the ‘library’…) where I had what felt like an ‘undercover’ experience of being in a group scene as well as the honor of closely observing Mr. Cameron Crowe’s direction of actors Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, and Cameron Diaz in the scene. I have again come to the conclusion that Cameron Crowe is a true gentleman. At the end of the night, he gave me a little Japanese style bow with his hands together and told me I had ‘honored’ him with my presence on the set that day. 🙂 How awesome is THAT !! I had a memorable time and also now firsthand experienced based respect for the extras and background actors and crew on films of this level. The associate producer of this film, Mr. Scott Michael Martin, has got to be one of the coolest and hippest guys in Hollywood because not only is he a lot of fun to be with but he has the most impressive collection of experimental and non mainstream records and cds, etc. I have ever seen. 🙂 How cool is that !!! You know what ?? I have yet to personally see the tired cliched view of Hollywood the way it is generally portrayed. This is a new Hollywood and it is so great to have guys in power like these….

X

January 11, 2001

Thursday January 11, 2001 Los Angeles

I have been having a good time out here. I have had a few days to relax and write and read and think and also a moment of late night dialogue with Scott Michael Martin who is currently working 18 hour days with Cameron Crowe on ‘Vanilla Sky’ – a new Tom Cruise film that sounds really intriguing.

To take time out to think is a valuable thing not to be discounted. To take time out to not ‘DO’- but THINK.

Hmm. Gives me a tshirt idea. forget about ‘just DO it’ LOL !!:-)

Anyway–last night it was pouring down here and the streets were underwater. I have never even seen rain in California – so it has been very strange to see it like that..

Tonight i have the honor of going to the studio where Tool is mixing their new album and *Maynard* has told me that I will hear some of the new work ! AWESOME.

LOVE XXX J

January 9, 2001

JANUARY 9 Tuesday 10:07 A.M. Los Angeles

Hello from a p.c. laptop in an apartment off of Wilshire Blvd.

Arrived here last night. The palm trees, lights, and spacious streets announcing themselves in the same way the shadows,decay,and steel announce themselves in New York.

Still disoriented. Preparing to ‘pump iron’ and for a civilized enough hour to make phone calls to musicians/friends.

So yeah…My life is in upheavel. Again here I am in transition with nothing/no one but myself open to the world.

January 7, 2001

January 7 2001

This has been an intense weekend. I clung to an angel all night long —-He is the beating heart. The most beautiful sound in the world.

And I dreamed of a vast silver desert and gold speckled gauze and lavender mountains.

I am leaving tomorrow for Los Angeles. How appropriate. The City Of Angels.

The next arteries will be made from there.

My hope for you all is that you have the vision to see love in its purest state when it comes into your life. I did not see it and now I pray for it’s life.

It takes couage to lay down your ego and your pettiness and your insecurities to have the courage and openness and lack of pretense to SEE LOVE when it appears.

Remember to show RESPECT. Remember to let love BREATHE.

Remember that the kiss of an angel is heaven itself.

Do NOT have a motive with love. Let it flow naturally and you will have ecstacy.

xxx make love tonight with your lover —and when you have done, please smile for me. please smile for me. i am so happy for you.

Jarboe

January 5, 2001

Jan 4 2001

Anxiety is still with me . It resides in my gut and in the front of my brain.

And my piece entitled: ‘Scorpion’ on Disburden Disciple is perfectly apt.

In fact the entire album is revealing to a degree I was not even aware of until recentlly.

Had a counseling session this evening. The therapist says she will help me get back to my place of power. Working on music and performing are essential now.

X

January 2, 2001

Jan 2, 2001

Today the sun is shining brightly and the sky is blue blue blue.

🙂

January 1, 2001

January 1, 2001

Last night in celebration of New Year’s Eve, HE took me to dinner at a small Italian restaurant . Afterwards we had champagne at the house at midnight and exchanged several small but tender kisses. These kisses are worth more than all the riches in the world. And those kisses were the boundary – that he says he will not cross.

I am on the edge of the world. A deep aching place is in the center of me. Love withdrawn is the kind of thing that can drive you mad. If I could undo what has been done to result in becoming – punished and cast out – I would do so without hesitation. My mother used to say: ” Where there is life there is hope ” ?

Let all fire of strength of humility and truth cleanse. And the ghost-like fear and excruciating sadness with razor edged trembling that deliver thousands of unrelenting red slashes upon me inside – fully embrace and dance with me in a slow waltz in silence – that turns into a violent dizzying whirl to accompanying dissonant violins and tympani as they finally emerge to show me their laughing , mocking , sweat drenched and bloody face .