December 4, 2000

4 December

1:15 p.m.

Last night , admittedly nauseated , unrested, and zombie-like, I got on the highway to go an hour outside of Atlanta to go to my mother who now lives in a nursing home. As I have mentioned in Artery before, she has an Alzheimer’s like dementia and is in a wheelchair. Her face is smooth and childlike. She has amazing jade green eyes like no one else I have ever seen and she is beautiful at 83 years old. She had me late in life and so my brothers (one of whom died in an accident) were a decade older than me and were not really around much when I was growing up. My father was very busy and on assignment out of town a lot and my mother was truly my best friend and more like a sister to me than a mother.

So last night, my brother came by the nursing home and we began to talk about our lives and when he asked how I was really doing, I told him that I was frightened and unwell- full of anxiety and sadness from the loss of the man I loved so deeply . I told him that this man had stated that he wanted me to give him space for a separate life from mine.

My mother who had been looking at us silently while my brother and I talked, suddenly looked directly into my eyes and spoke up with lucid clarity , “Well ! You’ve been giving ME a lot of space. You don’t come see me enough!”

This ‘chastizing’ I consider a beautiful gift I will remember.

December 2, 2000

12 / 02

“Jarboe…

have you ever experienced any truer pain…than the one when someone you have deeply loved…and been deeply loved by….hears you say”I love you”…..and pauses…that one telltale second…before replying??? – Gabriel”

November 30, 2000

11/30

And the new VOICE with new FAITH comes to me and says:

LIVE DANGEROUSLY

and I am intrigued

November 29, 2000

11/29

Having slept very little in the past 10 days due to intense emotional distress, I am in a zone of unreality. I am outside the world and outside my understanding of it.

When you finally realize that the dream you have been holding on to is not going to come true, you are shaken to the very depth of your identity and you wonder how it was that such a dream sustained you and fed you for so long.

For me to assume that another person shares any form of ‘reality’ with me and its understanding of it with me, is a huge undertaking. A ‘”leap of faith” ……

And when all is said and done, he said that he was still my best friend and would still be my lover but that he had “lost faith” in me and did not want to share his life with me or “be with” me. He feels ‘smothered’ and ‘caged’.

He asked me in what seemed like a type of joke— if I thought him a ‘commitment-phobic’ and /or a woman-hater.

I cannot diagnose you— I thought. …You became my dearest friend and then you became my lover. To me, anything I have done to contribute to your lack of faith , I am willing to work on and change, for me and for us ..but not only for you. For this reason I am in therapy and I am seeing the changes. I have had to get over –among many other things– a 14 year relationship with a man I lived and worked with……

He said “but it is too late.I can never have faith in you again. I have made my decision and it if final. Nothing you can do will change my loss of faith in you . You have lost me.. Remember that he most valuable thing you can do is listen. That is my secret. That is why people say I am charming. I know how to listen. You do not listen to me. You twist everything I say back to yourself. What about MY feelings? MY thoughts? Are you even listening to me now?”

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November 28, 2000

Nov 28 Tuesday 9:20 A.M.

HOW DO YOU RESIGN YOURSELF TO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER BE? YOU STOP WANTING THAT THING, YOU GO NUMB, OR YOU KILL THE AGENT OF DESIRE.

SAVOUR KINDNESS BECAUSE CRUELTY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE LATER.

– JENNY HOLZER

November 27, 2000

11/27

Am now holding out my hand and looking .

Introspective yet also opening to a friendly voice.

And the voice says it will come into my world.

And I am listening for the voices that would offer me

unconditional love in the purest sense.

I am here. And I am listening.

November 25, 2000

11/25

There are many foolish people in this life who will take up your time and energy.

Don’t let them.

We all die alone.

Remember you are alone.

Free WILL is your only true friend.

VICTORIOUS

November 24, 2000

11/24

I have begun the process. I am burning you out of my center – where I have carelessly allowed you to enter.

JARBOE IS NOW BEING REBORN.

I HAVE DESTROYED THE WOMAN YOU KNEW.

I AM BUILDING A NEW MACHINE.

I AM ONE STEP CLOSER .

one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one

don’t ever make anyone essential

don’t ever make anyone irreplaceable

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

I am now burning your files out of my system.

I will no longer be vulnerable to you and your kind.

RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE

I am systematically destroying what I became with you.

The demon warrior is stirring and will emerge.

Do not underestimate my will.

FUCKING DESTRUCTION.

GET OUT OF OF MY WAY. MY FIRE IS FIERCE. GET OUT OF MY WAY OR BURN.

I AM BECOMING JARBOE.

GET THE * FUCK * OUT OF MY WAY.

THE MISTAKE WAS MADE THAT I AM WEAK ENOUGH TO FALL IN LOVE AND LOSE MYSELF AND BE BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT FIERCE ENOUGH TO BREAK ME. I HAVE DIED MANY TIMES AND RISEN TO BECOME THE NEW.

I AM AT WAR. I HAVE NO MERCY FOR YOU.

I WILL RIP TO SHREDS.

I WILL DISBURDEN. I WILL BE VICTORIOUS.

I AM VICTORY.

J A R B O E

November 24, 2000

11/24

You cannot handle the truth.

I cannot invest in you emotionally.

My emotional needs are better transferred to a piece of wood.

DEAL WITH IT

November 21, 2000

Nov 21

Today the sun shines and the air is cold. I wear a sweater I bought in Iceland.

Listening to three new songs recently begun in New York for the MEN album. Sending a package off to the first collaborator with much enthusiastic expectation.

And my mind will not let me focus on the emotional anguish today as it works to keep me alive.

There are articulate and intelligent people reading …. They have responded to me personally in email and I look forward to having the format where replies can be posted on this same page for everyone to read and to learn from other’s experience and insight.

Today I still carry the weight inside. But I will force myself to look outside the wall of emotion and see the world.